Posts Tagged ‘Vanessa’s limousines’

Lend me an ear. No, wait!

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

By Tiber

As you know, my older sister, Vanessa, has her own small limousine company.

Lately, as usual, they’ve found any number of items that riders have left behind.  And they’re things like backpacks and shoes and bras, things you’d think people would miss as soon as they got out.

Anyway, Vanessa let our brother, Duncan, have a limo for his wife’s birthday celebration and he claimed, furiously, that there was a human ear left in it.

That one Vanessa didn’t believe and she called Duncan an idiot.

Duncan then lost it to the point of evidently believing that a severed human ear was still operative and he yelled that maybe Vanessa had planted it in there to spy on them.

That made Vanessa so angry that she said Duncan would not be allowed to borrow another limo for his wife’s birthday for an entire year which, of course, was its own kind of stupid.

The severed ear turned out to be just a dried apricot. 

But it did leave me with one of my many questions. Since any given family has a certain number of I.Q. points, why am I not a genius?

There are countless people I’m related to who, clearly, are not using any points of their own.

But I’ve found a driver and that’s a start

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

By Tiber

Because of the economy, my sister Vanessa’s limousine business has been a little slow. So, since they often were driving people to funerals anyway, Vanessa decided to branch out with a couple of hearses.

This week, a client booked one of the hearses to transport the casket to the gravesite after the small church ceremony. Vanessa put a new driver on the job but he’d been out late the night before and while the service was going on, he sprinted across the street to grab some coffee. A few seconds later, somebody sprinted off with the hearse and it was gone faster than the person they were going to put in it.

The other hearse was already booked but Vanessa hurried over anyway and since it was almost nightfall and they had to get to the gravesite, she convinced the clients to let her transport the casket in her own SUV.

SUVs may look big but they quickly seem less so when you’re trying to stuff a coffin in the back.

It stuck way out and they were soon stopped by a cop for “an oversized load.” He said they had to red-flag it but since it was a funeral, nobody was wearing anything red. Vanessa made a quick purchase at a nearby party store and they were off again…until this time, the SUV was stopped for speeding.

Being as pretty as she is, Vanessa can usually get out of these situations. But this cop hard-lined it. Evidently being way more sensitive than he looked, he sputtered that it was no way to red-flag an oversized casket by sticking a festive Santa hat on it.

As the cop slowly wrote Vanessa up, the sun was sinking lower and lower in the sky. With the cemetery just over the hill, the funeral group finally decided to just carry the casket this last distance themselves.

It proved heavier than they thought, however, and Vanessa said later that though she’d watched them struggle up the hill with it, when they crossed over the crest, they all suddenly took off. Soon, there was a loud crash, followed by a thud and then a very audible, “uh-oh. ”

Vanessa turned back to the cop and told him there was no rush. At times like these, a family might want a little privacy.

Have a heart, people

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

By Tiber

Nobody had any plans tonight so all of my brothers and sisters and I decided to go to the movies. My sister, Vanessa, who owns a limousine company, grabbed a car from her fleet that had just been returned and offered to drive the whole group. Vanessa knows, as I imagine all taxi and bus drivers know too, that practically anything can get left behind in vehicles. And I mean, anything.

We all got in the car and Iris Nell shrieked. She’d found something that, as usual, ended up saying more about us than about the item itself.

It was a box labeled “Medical Transport – Heart for Transplant.” A joke? Probably. But what if it wasn’t? Vanessa said not to open it until she’d called the number on the box. But instantly, the rest jumped in with their own takes.

Iris Nell, predictably, burst into tears, instantly empathetic that not only did somebody need a new heart but that on top of that, it had been lost. Erin wanted to take “art” pictures of the heart she could show her friends and Kru, ever the athlete, was evidently under the impression that the heart had just run a marathon since he kept yelling, “Get back!  Give it some air!!!”

But Duncan was the most excited of all. “Let’s keep it! We can make our own person!”

Erin said he’d then have to find a brain.  And for some reason, every eye in the limo whipped  in my direction. So until Vanessa finished with the call, I decided to wait outside.

Turned out it was all a joke, of course. The box was empty. I couldn’t help but notice, though, that relief and disappointment spread through the car in pretty much equal measure.