Posts Tagged ‘My sister Vanessa’

Rock & Dough

Sunday, October 9th, 2011

By Tiber

Mother Shipton was a seer or a psychic who was born back in the late 1400’s in England.

She evidently lived in a cave and I just read where her cave is still a big tourist attraction to this day.

This is partly due to what’s called the “Petrifying Water Well,” which, because of the excessive amounts of minerals in the water, can, over time, make things turn to stone.

I need to check this out as a money-making venture because we’ve got three family members in this house alone who can turn whole people into stone just by glaring at them!

Mom can do it, when someone is rude. Iris Nell can do it,  if anyone’s unkind. And Vanessa can do it if anyone’s an idiot.

And they can all do it instantly! No waiting!

So line up, pony up and get your tickets right here!

Of course, the minute I suggest this, all three of them will ice me like a cube.

I’m going to have to think of a way to market them without looking.

Lend me an ear. No, wait!

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

By Tiber

As you know, my older sister, Vanessa, has her own small limousine company.

Lately, as usual, they’ve found any number of items that riders have left behind.  And they’re things like backpacks and shoes and bras, things you’d think people would miss as soon as they got out.

Anyway, Vanessa let our brother, Duncan, have a limo for his wife’s birthday celebration and he claimed, furiously, that there was a human ear left in it.

That one Vanessa didn’t believe and she called Duncan an idiot.

Duncan then lost it to the point of evidently believing that a severed human ear was still operative and he yelled that maybe Vanessa had planted it in there to spy on them.

That made Vanessa so angry that she said Duncan would not be allowed to borrow another limo for his wife’s birthday for an entire year which, of course, was its own kind of stupid.

The severed ear turned out to be just a dried apricot. 

But it did leave me with one of my many questions. Since any given family has a certain number of I.Q. points, why am I not a genius?

There are countless people I’m related to who, clearly, are not using any points of their own.

The Purseman Always Rings Twice

Saturday, March 5th, 2011

By Tiber

My sister, Vanessa, had her purse swiped on the street this week. She was furious since, like a lot of women, she carries around whole chunks of her life in those things.

Unlike a lot of women, though, Vanessa is so beautiful that after about 5 minutes, the purse-snatcher actually returned, gave the purse back to Vanessa and asked her out on a date.

I read somewhere that men really do lose part of their brain functions when confronted with beautiful women and I think we have the proof right there.

Vanessa was just happy to have her bag back but the uniformed cop now standing right next to her and writing down the details of the crime was even more pleased since he could now finger the perp by literally just reaching over and grabbing him.

The flames of love are burning, when I’m carrying a torch for you

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

By Tiber 

As I’ve said before, my friend, Ryan, has always been in love with my sister, Vanessa. It is not reciprocated.

He just never gives up, though, and he dogs her so relentlessly that maybe, once a year, if she has nothing better to do, she’ll give in and go out with him.

They recently went on their annual “date” and Ryan chose what he said was the most romantic restaurant he could find. I think he just wanted a place with so little light that, after a few drinks, Vanessa might start thinking he was someone else.

They got the menus but it was way too dark for Ryan to see, so in a casual, cool move, he flicked their little candle-holder closer and lit his menu on fire.

People at the restaurant said he was remarkably adept at putting the menu out quickly. It was just a shame that he hadn’t noticed that the fire had spread to his hair. Here, said the other diners, was where Vanessa took the lead and, thinking quickly, threw her coat over his head.

This did smother the flames and Ryan was saved but by the time he fought his way back out, Vanessa had made her escape.

“Hey, this gives me a great excuse to call her up and return her coat!”

“Jeez, Ryan,” I said, “Give it up, man.”

He tried to make the best of it, though.

“I guess I’m lucky she even agreed to go out.”

“Ryan, believe me,”  I told him. “You’re lucky she even put you out.”                                                                                                                                                                           

But I’ve found a driver and that’s a start

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

By Tiber

Because of the economy, my sister Vanessa’s limousine business has been a little slow. So, since they often were driving people to funerals anyway, Vanessa decided to branch out with a couple of hearses.

This week, a client booked one of the hearses to transport the casket to the gravesite after the small church ceremony. Vanessa put a new driver on the job but he’d been out late the night before and while the service was going on, he sprinted across the street to grab some coffee. A few seconds later, somebody sprinted off with the hearse and it was gone faster than the person they were going to put in it.

The other hearse was already booked but Vanessa hurried over anyway and since it was almost nightfall and they had to get to the gravesite, she convinced the clients to let her transport the casket in her own SUV.

SUVs may look big but they quickly seem less so when you’re trying to stuff a coffin in the back.

It stuck way out and they were soon stopped by a cop for “an oversized load.” He said they had to red-flag it but since it was a funeral, nobody was wearing anything red. Vanessa made a quick purchase at a nearby party store and they were off again…until this time, the SUV was stopped for speeding.

Being as pretty as she is, Vanessa can usually get out of these situations. But this cop hard-lined it. Evidently being way more sensitive than he looked, he sputtered that it was no way to red-flag an oversized casket by sticking a festive Santa hat on it.

As the cop slowly wrote Vanessa up, the sun was sinking lower and lower in the sky. With the cemetery just over the hill, the funeral group finally decided to just carry the casket this last distance themselves.

It proved heavier than they thought, however, and Vanessa said later that though she’d watched them struggle up the hill with it, when they crossed over the crest, they all suddenly took off. Soon, there was a loud crash, followed by a thud and then a very audible, “uh-oh. ”

Vanessa turned back to the cop and told him there was no rush. At times like these, a family might want a little privacy.

Can’t stop the stupid

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

By Tiber

My friend, Ryan, lost his job too so the two of us were working out in the gym here at the house when my sister, the too-beautiful Vanessa, came in. Ryan loves Vanessa. Ryan has always loved Vanessa. This has not gone well. I think Vanessa views Ryan the way she would a fire extinguisher. It has a legal right to be here and it might come in handy someday but the rest of the time you can pretty much ignore it.

When Ryan sees Vanessa, like a lot of other men, he cannot stop the stupid.

“Vanessa! Hey! Hi! Hi, ho, ho, ho, hi, hello! Come on in and join us!!!”

“Some other time.”

“That time could be now!”

“I’ll come back later.”

“No, no, we’ll leave.”

“Don’t be silly. Stay and go on with your workout. I‘m going to my bedroom.”

“Or Tiber can stay. And you and I can work out in your bedroom!”

I don’t think that’s really what Ryan meant. Well, no actually, that’s probably exactly what he meant. He just didn’t mean to say it.

Vanessa has this way of lowering her chin and then very, very slowly rotating her head, until her upturned eyes laser lock on yours. I don’t think I’m alone here in saying that, frankly, it makes you want to cry, or pee or pass out cold, just to protect yourself. I’ve seen her do this to actual demons and they start trying to strangle themselves with their pointy little tails. It’s not pretty.

But as usual, Ryan babbled on.

“I didn’t mean with both of us in your bedroom! Just you! Not me. No male would be in there. I mean, lots of men would want to be in there! Hold on. Did I say ‘lots?’ No, no! You probably don’t have one of those ‘Now Serving’ number machines! Not that I think you’d let men jump the line! You’re way too polite for that! Wait, no, did I say ‘line?!?'”

I try to wing-man Ryan but he makes it so hard. I created a distraction by dropping one of the weights. Of course, I hit my foot and Vanessa rolled her eyes and left.

“Oh, thanks a lot, Tiber! You scared her away!”

Yeah, that’s it. I scared Vanessa, that fragile flower, that sparrow, that quaking woodland creature who, one day, is going to pull Ryan’s lip back over his head until he looks like a very large pencil eraser.

Have a heart, people

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

By Tiber

Nobody had any plans tonight so all of my brothers and sisters and I decided to go to the movies. My sister, Vanessa, who owns a limousine company, grabbed a car from her fleet that had just been returned and offered to drive the whole group. Vanessa knows, as I imagine all taxi and bus drivers know too, that practically anything can get left behind in vehicles. And I mean, anything.

We all got in the car and Iris Nell shrieked. She’d found something that, as usual, ended up saying more about us than about the item itself.

It was a box labeled “Medical Transport – Heart for Transplant.” A joke? Probably. But what if it wasn’t? Vanessa said not to open it until she’d called the number on the box. But instantly, the rest jumped in with their own takes.

Iris Nell, predictably, burst into tears, instantly empathetic that not only did somebody need a new heart but that on top of that, it had been lost. Erin wanted to take “art” pictures of the heart she could show her friends and Kru, ever the athlete, was evidently under the impression that the heart had just run a marathon since he kept yelling, “Get back!  Give it some air!!!”

But Duncan was the most excited of all. “Let’s keep it! We can make our own person!”

Erin said he’d then have to find a brain.  And for some reason, every eye in the limo whipped  in my direction. So until Vanessa finished with the call, I decided to wait outside.

Turned out it was all a joke, of course. The box was empty. I couldn’t help but notice, though, that relief and disappointment spread through the car in pretty much equal measure.

One perfect limousine

Monday, March 29th, 2010

By Tiber 

As I’ve probably said before, besides me, my older sister, Vanessa, is the one of us with the most business sense. Of course, now I’ve been outsourced so, clearly, I have no sense or cents at all.

Iris Nell says there’s a poem by Dorothy Parker where she laments that instead of always being given one perfect rose, why can’t a man send her one perfect limousine?

Well, Vanessa has had more than her fair share of limousines. So that’s the business she chose. And now, she’s the co-owner of a small company. The other owner can be a real pain but Vanessa puts up with it for now because she wants to eventually buy him out.

All in all, she likes the work but it can make you very cynical. Seeing enough people crying after weddings and laughing after funerals can do that to you, I guess.

Vanessa will drive a limo herself, once in awhile, if the need arises. Knowing this and the fact that she’s so beautiful, it happened again this weekend that another man tried to book her as his driver, with the thought of the two of them being alone for an evening out.

The company’s wise to this, of course, and never promises a particular driver. And yet, still these guys try. When this happens, an “equally capable driver” will arrive, usually in the form of Semi, who, I think, was born in Tonga. Semi’s great but at some 290 very muscular lbs., he could probably crush you into a placemat.

Quickly, the guy, who’d been set on Vanessa being there with him, decides to cut his ride short, even though he’s already paid for it.

The company saves a lot on gas this way, plus Semi pretty much always gets a lovely tip.