Posts Tagged ‘My brother Kru’

More sand than the Sahara

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

By Tiber 

You know that my brother, Kru, has his own cat sand delivery business and though most of his customers are women, not all of them are.

This week, he got a new client who ordered a 100 lb. bag of cat sand and when Kru toted the bag up to the house, a guy about three times his size answered the door.

If aliens had landed their disc right then in the front yard, they would have looked at the man and pointed to Kru, saying, “He is your pet, is he not?”

In spite of his customer’s obvious physical advantage and immediate offer to help, Kru was determined not to wuss out and to carry that bag himself to its proper place, which of course, turned out to be the far back porch of the house.

He finally made it, dropped the bag and as he stood there wobbling for a moment, his RV-sized client brought in his tennis ball-sized kitten and cooed,

“Say hello to Astrid.”

Kru did.

“That’s a lot of cat sand for such a little kitten.”

Clearly super-doting on his cat, the man retorted indignantly, “I change it for her every few hours, whether she’s used it or not.”


Kru’s just glad for the business.

It’s the cat’s meow

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

By Tiber 

As you know, my brother, Kru, has his own cat sand home delivery service, which earns him more than you might think.

This summer has been slow, though, and only this week has it picked up. I always wonder about facts like these. Cats have to relieve themselves all year round. Why would it be less in the summer?

Of course, the way my mind works, I start envisioning them being so hot, they’d pooled their money, rented cat busses and hightailed it to the beach. Then, on arrival, they had just used the sand there. Frankly, I wish my mind did not work this way. Still, I would advise all of you to avoid that beach.

Anyway, I rode along on Kru’s route today and once again, he has some female customers who like him a lot.

One of them even made us stay and listen to her cat, Tobey, because she claimed she had taught Tobey to say Kru’s name. And after about 10 minutes of…

“Tobey! Come on! Say it! Kru’s here now! Say it for him! Come on, Tobey! Be a good boy! Say Kru! Say Kru! Come on! Tobey! Say it”

…finally, Tobey said it.

Well, I thought he said “Myou.”

But the woman insisted, “There! He said ‘Kru!’ Did you hear it? Isn’t that adorable?”

And my brother said it was.

And then the cat said something like “Meow! Myou-sah.”

So this time, I “interpreted” with,

“Did you hear that?! This time Tobey said, “Wow! Kru is hot!”

I have to quit joking. My brother was mad. The customer was mad. And to be honest with you, even Tobey didn’t look all that pleased. 

We are not amused at the amusement park

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

By Tiber

My brother Kru’s cat sand delivery business is going well but he also got a summer job this past weekend at the big amusement park.

Unfortunately, the job was dressing up as one of those life-sized costumed cartoon characters.

This one is a famous character which, frankly, I always thought looked like a homunculus with a hangover. 

But then the manager said to Kru, “I was a cartoon character when I started here and believe me, you’ll never feel as loved as when you play a little kid’s fantasy figure.”

Kru, who’s never felt he’s had enough love in his life, was hooked.

And it was true. Cute little kids would spot Kru all the way across the park and run to him, open-armed, for a hug.

Of course, there were also the other children. We have some right here!

And the parents of these kids? They would just look on with pride as their little sweeties systematically dismembered a park employee.

“Good motor skills, Jason!”

One group of kids pried off one of Kru’s costume feet and began to gnaw on his real toes, while another group stacked themselves into a pyramid so the top kid could dive-bomb onto Kru’s big head.

Needless to say, completely traumatized, Kru has already quit. We were at the mall last night and I had to go out as a scouting party ahead of him so I could always send back the warning.

“Prepare yourself! Toddler at three o’clock!”

It’s cougarific!

Saturday, March 19th, 2011

By Tiber

I thought my brother Kru’s new little company delivering cat sand to people’s homes was a great idea. I guess it still is. It’s just that some of the clients are turning out to be a little more aggressive than you might think.

After initially bragging that women on his route loved the sight of him toting those heavy litter bags for them, Kru was grousing about it last night.

“What? The women are no longer big on your biceps?” I asked.

“Oh, they like them all right. That cat litter is catnip. But to some of them, me with the cat litter is like raw meat…Now I know why they call them ‘cougars!’ I swear to you, Tiber, there was one this morning who leaped up onto the inch-wide back of a dining room chair and started growling and pawing at my crotch!”

My mother suddenly realized the triplets were in the room and she quickly tried to “explain” things to her grandchildren that the kids have known about longer than she has.

“Uh…Yes! Cougars! Those lovely big cats! Uncle Kru went to the zoo today.”

The triplets then exited but they all three looked back at Kru and murmured in unison.

“Better wear a cup.”

“Wow, sir, you’re right. That really is huge.”

Saturday, February 12th, 2011

By Tiber

We were on a family vacation when I was five, and Dad drove miles out of our way to see the “largest T-Rex ever constructed.” My brother, Duncan, who was nine, thought the T-Rex was one of the great wonders of the world. I thought it was an enormous predator, smart enough to stand very still until a dumb five-year-old came close enough to be devoured.

For Duncan, it started his love of anything too big. You know that my sister, Iris Nell, is obsessed with anything tiny. My parents, for some reason, have raised at least two children who enjoy being in worlds with no resemblance to our own.

With our thoughts now on making money, Duncan returned to the big.  He thought it would be very easy to build the world’s largest something and then charge people to come and see it.

“It wouldn’t be that hard to make the world’s biggest baseball bat!”

“Harder than you think. A giant one’s already been built in Louisville, Kentucky. For the Louisville Slugger.”

 “Oh. Well, it wouldn’t be that hard to make the world’s biggest doorknob.”

“You’d have to beat Vining, Minnesota.”

These answers came from our brother, Kru, who in another example of our family’s weird knowledge kept shooting down all of Duncan’s ideas.

“World’s Largest Hammer?”

“Eureka, California.”

”Oh, come on!”

I reminded Duncan that we all considered him to be the biggest tool. Why not charge admission just to gawk at him?

Duncan is older, heavier and the exhausted father of three and yet it’s amazing how fast he can chase you down two flights of stairs, trying to bash your skull in with anything regular-sized he can find.

“We don’t need no stinkin’ cat sand!”

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

By Tiber

I’ve told you about my brother, Kru, coming up with the idea of his own home delivery of cat sand business and, to everyone’s surprise, he’s getting more and more clients.

Since I still haven’t come up with a job for me, Kru said I could ride along with him on his rounds today, even though he didn’t really need any help. Mostly, I just sat out in “The LitterAce Man” cat sand delivery truck and waited.

Evidently, at one stop, some neighborhood moms misread the sign, “TheLitterAce Man” as “The Literacy Van,” proof positive that we should have been driving the latter.

Anyway, they sent their kids out to see if we had good deals on computers or something. And unseen by me, the kids had congregated at the back of the truck, where they quickly started goofing around and twisted the big cat sand spigot to “fully open.”

By the time I saw the mothers racing towards me, the kids in back of the truck were disappearing under a mountain of cat litter and soon had to be pulled out by their toes.

Kru returned to find people practically lighting torches to go after him.

Get neighbors juiced up on media fear and a complete lack of the facts and they’re instantly ready to believe that you’re there to nab their children.

“You don’t have computers at all, do you?!?”

Kru was clueless.

“Computers? No!”

“Then what kind of stuff are you using to entice our kids before you trap them in sand? Is it video games or candy?!?”

“I don’t have video games or candy!!! All I carry is cat litter and litter boxes!”

“Oh, sure! Then, what’s that in the big silver box?!?”

Kru had to look to even see what they meant.

“…Poop forks!”

He opened the box and showed them but we still had to hightail it out of there.

Kru carries away a lot of used cat litter too and between the sight and smell of that plus the plastic poop forks, if these parents had just thought it through, I think they would have realized that Kru would make one of the least enticing criminals for kids ever.

Going full Superman, going full Supermonty

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

By Tiber 

My younger brother, Kru, still has his cat sand delivery business but he decided that maybe he could bring in even more by making up a new superhero persona and then doing stunts and personal appearances. So he asked the family for ideas on who he could be.

I thought, “Come on, dude, you know us! Don’t you know we’ll either a) hurt your feelings or b) get you killed?” And yet he persisted.

Duncan suggested Kru become “Intensive Care Man” in honor of where so many of his stunts have landed him in the past.

Iris Nell thought he could be “Sadman”.


“Because sometimes you are!”

She came over and gave him a hug to make him feel better but I still think seeing a big, old “Sadman” signal in the sky would just depress everybody.

Erin had the best idea. She came up with “Recession Man.”

“Don’t come around here, Kru, because we’ll all vomit but ‘Recession Man’ could be the first superhero who doesn’t even have the money to be able to afford a suit! And believe me, even though it’s you, there are bound to be people who will pay to see that.”

The Mad Hatter Part II…When baseball caps attack

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010


By Tiber

As I’ve said many times before, my idiot brother, Duncan, is always annoying somebody about something.

Not long ago, he made our other brother, Kru, angry and Kru decided to get back at him. He started mentioning to Duncan that one of the new side effects of global warming was that some people are suffering from an expansion of their skulls.

He’d just made it up, of course, but every so often since then, Kru has been slipping a little piece of cardboard into Duncan’s favorite baseball cap. So the cap has been getting tighter and tighter and Duncan has been getting more and more worried.

Finally, he went to the doctor and told him that because of global warming, his skull was enlarging. The doctor told Duncan he must be working too hard.

But that hat has just kept on getting more and more snug.

Now, Kru has started mentioning something even worse. He says he read where some people’s skulls are actually shrinking, due to worry about the economy.

And yesterday, he removed all of the cardboard from Duncan’s cap. The cardboard had stretched it out, of course, and when Duncan put it on this time, the hat plopped down, completely covering his eyes.

He raced back to the doctor again, yelling that his skull was now shrinking because of the bad economy. And this time, I think, the doctor may put him away.

So, what a few people have said could turn out to be true – that even in the midst of some difficult times,  good things can still happen to those who just wait.