Villa de Loon

By Tiber　

You know that my brother, Kru, has his own cat sand delivery business and though most of his customers are women, not all of them are.

This week, he got a new client who ordered a 100 lb. bag of cat sand and when Kru toted the bag up to the house, a guy about three times his size answered the door.

If aliens had landed their disc right then in the front yard, they would have looked at the man and pointed to Kru, saying, “He is your pet, is he not?”

In spite of his customer’s obvious physical advantage and immediate offer to help, Kru was determined not to wuss out and to carry that bag himself to its proper place, which of course, turned out to be the far back porch of the house.

He finally made it, dropped the bag and as he stood there wobbling for a moment, his RV-sized client brought in his tennis ball-sized kitten and cooed,

“Say hello to Astrid.”

Kru did.

“That’s a lot of cat sand for such a little kitten.”

Clearly super-doting on his cat, the man retorted indignantly, “I change it for her every few hours, whether she’s used it or not.”

Whatever.

Kru’s just glad for the business.

By Tiber　

As you know, my brother, Kru, has his own cat sand home delivery service, which earns him more than you might think.

This summer has been slow, though, and only this week has it picked up. I always wonder about facts like these. Cats have to relieve themselves all year round. Why would it be less in the summer?

Of course, the way my mind works, I start envisioning them being so hot, they’d pooled their money, rented cat busses and hightailed it to the beach. Then, on arrival, they had just used the sand there. Frankly, I wish my mind did not work this way. Still, I would advise all of you to avoid that beach.

Anyway, I rode along on Kru’s route today and once again, he has some female customers who like him a lot.

One of them even made us stay and listen to her cat, Tobey, because she claimed she had taught Tobey to say Kru’s name. And after about 10 minutes of…

“Tobey! Come on! Say it! Kru’s here now! Say it for him! Come on, Tobey! Be a good boy! Say Kru! Say Kru! Come on! Tobey! Say it”

…finally, Tobey said it.

Well, I thought he said “Myou.”

But the woman insisted, “There! He said ‘Kru!’ Did you hear it? Isn’t that adorable?”

And my brother said it was.

And then the cat said something like “Meow! Myou-sah.”

So this time, I “interpreted” with,

“Did you hear that?! This time Tobey said, “Wow! Kru is hot!”

I have to quit joking. My brother was mad. The customer was mad. And to be honest with you, even Tobey didn’t look all that pleased.　

By Tiber

My brother Kru’s cat sand delivery business is going well but he also got a summer job this past weekend at the big amusement park.

Unfortunately, the job was dressing up as one of those life-sized costumed cartoon characters.

This one is a famous character which, frankly, I always thought looked like a homunculus with a hangover. 

But then the manager said to Kru, “I was a cartoon character when I started here and believe me, you’ll never feel as loved as when you play a little kid’s fantasy figure.”

Kru, who’s never felt he’s had enough love in his life, was hooked.

And it was true. Cute little kids would spot Kru all the way across the park and run to him, open-armed, for a hug.

Of course, there were also the other children. We have some right here!

And the parents of these kids? They would just look on with pride as their little sweeties systematically dismembered a park employee.

“Good motor skills, Jason!”

One group of kids pried off one of Kru’s costume feet and began to gnaw on his real toes, while another group stacked themselves into a pyramid so the top kid could dive-bomb onto Kru’s big head.

Needless to say, completely traumatized, Kru has already quit. We were at the mall last night and I had to go out as a scouting party ahead of him so I could always send back the warning.

“Prepare yourself! Toddler at three o’clock!”

By Tiber

I thought my brother Kru’s new little company delivering cat sand to people’s homes was a great idea. I guess it still is. It’s just that some of the clients are turning out to be a little more aggressive than you might think.

After initially bragging that women on his route loved the sight of him toting those heavy litter bags for them, Kru was grousing about it last night.

“What? The women are no longer big on your biceps?” I asked.

“Oh, they like them all right. That cat litter is catnip. But to some of them, me with the cat litter is like raw meat…Now I know why they call them ‘cougars!’ I swear to you, Tiber, there was one this morning who leaped up onto the inch-wide back of a dining room chair and started growling and pawing at my crotch!”

My mother suddenly realized the triplets were in the room and she quickly tried to “explain” things to her grandchildren that the kids have known about longer than she has.

“Uh…Yes! Cougars! Those lovely big cats! Uncle Kru went to the zoo today.”

The triplets then exited but they all three looked back at Kru and murmured in unison.

“Better wear a cup.”

By Tiber

I’ve told you about my brother, Kru, coming up with the idea of his own home delivery of cat sand business and, to everyone’s surprise, he’s getting more and more clients.

Since I still haven’t come up with a job for me, Kru said I could ride along with him on his rounds today, even though he didn’t really need any help. Mostly, I just sat out in “The LitterAce Man” cat sand delivery truck and waited.

Evidently, at one stop, some neighborhood moms misread the sign, “TheLitterAce Man” as “The Literacy Van,” proof positive that we should have been driving the latter.

Anyway, they sent their kids out to see if we had good deals on computers or something. And unseen by me, the kids had congregated at the back of the truck, where they quickly started goofing around and twisted the big cat sand spigot to “fully open.”

By the time I saw the mothers racing towards me, the kids in back of the truck were disappearing under a mountain of cat litter and soon had to be pulled out by their toes.

Kru returned to find people practically lighting torches to go after him.

Get neighbors juiced up on media fear and a complete lack of the facts and they’re instantly ready to believe that you’re there to nab their children.

“You don’t have computers at all, do you?!?”

Kru was clueless.

“Computers? No!”

“Then what kind of stuff are you using to entice our kids before you trap them in sand? Is it video games or candy?!?”

“I don’t have video games or candy!!! All I carry is cat litter and litter boxes!”

“Oh, sure! Then, what’s that in the big silver box?!?”

Kru had to look to even see what they meant.

“…Poop forks!”

He opened the box and showed them but we still had to hightail it out of there.

Kru carries away a lot of used cat litter too and between the sight and smell of that plus the plastic poop forks, if these parents had just thought it through, I think they would have realized that Kru would make one of the least enticing criminals for kids ever.