Posts Tagged ‘Larry’s Discount Occult’

Meanwhile…back at Larry’s Discount Occult

Sunday, February 28th, 2010


By Tiber 

As I said before, since I’m unemployed, sometimes in the afternoon, I drop by to say hi to my teenage sister, Erin, at her new part-time job at Larry’s Discount Occult. (Whose motto is “Sure you want to hex them but why pay full price?”)

This time, she had a suggestion for me.

“Hey, since you need a new job, people tell me they’ve had great luck attracting work by using these skull candles. You burn them outdoors while you dance naked around an oak tree, repeating your career goal over and over.”

I told her that certainly would solve the job problem since people put into mental institutions aren’t required to have them.

Fortunately, a customer arrived before Erin could “help” me any more. This new guy was pale, gaunt and clearly demonic-looking. But Erin was all cheery as she approached him.

“Hello. Oh, wow. Something smells good. What is it?”

I panicked. What the hell was she thinking?!? That smell clearly came from the cologne of the last person this guy killed. Or maybe he has scented satin in the coffin he sleeps in.

The man paused – way too long, I thought – and then, finally said, “Cookie dough.”

Oh, dear God. I saw it all clearly in an instant. Erin had forced him to lie and now he knew that we knew he had lied because he was hiding something horrific. And he wasn’t about to let that get out. The only way to stop it would be to kill us.

But then the man just proceeded to buy a dancing ghost cookie jar and a set of “black-cats-in-hats” place-mats for a party he was throwing for his grandkids. Evidently, he did smell like cookie dough.

I find vetting the customers at Larry’s Discount Occult very difficult. If I worked here, I’d end up beating innocent shoppers with the broomsticks while the undead easily raided the till.

Get familiar with your familiar…at Larry’s Discount Occult

Friday, November 13th, 2009
By Tiber
In a real sign that all may not be well around here financially, Dad has decreed that everybody has to get a job.
My youngest sister, Erin, who’s still in high school, has landed a part-time job as a salesgirl at “Larry’s Discount Occult.” (“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full price?”)
My father is less than thrilled with Erin’s employment venue but part-time jobs can be hard to find. Oddly enough, my mother, the more religious parent, is fine with it.
Larry, the shop proprietor, also pays well. Maybe when your employees can turn you into a newt, you have to.
In any event, Larry’s Discount Occult carries a lot of regular items too, like candles and aromatherapy stuff. If they have any smells that calm people down, I’m hoping Erin can use her store discount and bring an industrial-sized drum back here for the family.
I dropped by the shop to say hello. While Erin was busy with a customer, I  picked out some of the dog and cat treats (“Get familiar with your familiar!”) to buy for ours. Dogs and cats, I mean, Not familiars. Well, maybe they are familiars and I just don’t know it.  How do you know? I’ll have to ask Erin how that works. I guess if some man comes at you too fast and instead of just hissing or barking, your animal latches onto the guy’s face, causing  him to sprout donkey’s ears, that might be a give-away.
Anyway, Erin’s customer had only come in for a crescent moon pendant for his girlfriend but by the time he left, Erin had also convinced him to buy a large garden gargoyle and a pair of bat-head slippers. I think she may have some real retail ability.
I spotted some custom-made love potions and asked,
“Hey, how about brewing one up for me? I could finally attract the right woman!” Erin quickly made herself all fake busy.
She clearly didn’t want to help me.
“Come on! Why won’t you make one for me?”

Because, she finally murmured, they weren’t allowed, by law, to mix anything that strong.