Posts Tagged ‘garden gnomes’

Gnome, gnome on the range

Sunday, June 5th, 2011

By Tiber

Since we‘re now all thinking that maybe we can make some extra money by doing something here on the estate, somebody came up with the idea of charging admission to a Garden Gnome Village.

You’ll recall that we discovered about a hundred of those gnomes up in one of the attic rooms since it turned out that Aunt April has been stealing them out of strangers’ yards for decades.

My mother’s shoulders fell. “Those gnomes don’t belong to us!”

“Yeah, but they’re just sitting up there!”

“And we should be calling the police about them!”

“Come on, Gwen,” my father said, “They’d never find all of the owners anyway. April’s clearly been stealing them for years!”

“The police don’t let people off just for persistence!”

She’s right, of course, but since nobody here is going to call the police, poor Mom stuck to what morals she could.

“Well, we shouldn’t make the gnomes an attraction. It wouldn’t be right to profit off of them.”

Erin suggested, “We can arrange them outside of the front gate! They can be what catches people’s attention and draws them in to see something else!”

Iris Nell looked concerned, “But somebody could steal them!”

Kru leaped in, “People can be such bastards!”

Mom soon did her patented drifting away to another room as if she’d inadvertently intruded on the wrong family.

There’s no doubt that she is our moral compass. It’s just that the rest of us are ferrous metal and we keep knocking her off-course.

Gnomes, phone home

Saturday, December 11th, 2010

By Tiber 

Dad hates confronting women and here he’s had to do it twice in one week. He finally accepted that he really had no choice but to confront his own sister, our Aunt April, about the sea of other peoples’ garden gnomes we’d discovered up in the attic.

He flat-out asked her, “April, did you steal those garden gnomes?”

She tried to finesse it by retorting, “Completely insane people would do that!!!”

But Dad came back with, “Anybody can steal a roomful of garden gnomes but in this case, was it you?”

This left her nowhere to go so she confessed but, of course, that was quickly followed by “But wait! It’s not what you think!”

I have always said that someday we will find our family crest. And when we translate the Latin motto below it, it will undoubtedly read, “But, Wait! It’s Not What You Think!”

“Jack, I would never steal something just because I coveted it.”

This was a relief to Dad until she continued, “But I have no problem with removing someone’s family member if I feel it’s being mistreated,” sending Dad’s relief right out the window.

“Okay, maybe I took too many,” Aunt April admitted,  “but once you see the need in one set of eyes, you see it in all of them.”
So this is where my “save-the-world” sister, Iris Nell, gets this gene! Dad, however, does not have this gene.

“Their eyes are not needy because they’d need actual eyes to express the need that they need you because they’re needy!!!”

Clearly, Dad was losing it too.

“All right, April, what would you say about returning the gnomes?”

“I’d say. ‘no.’”

“You’re returning the gnomes!!!”

“All right!!!”

He won’t make her go up to anybody’s door so I can already see that this will involve lobbing gnomes back over garden walls and someone will be hit and die. The tabloids will excitedly pick this up as, “Will the Gnome Killer Strike Again?!?”

And then, my “save-the world” sister, Iris Nell, will hear about this, think that someone is killing garden gnomes, decide the gnomes should then all be put into protective custody somewhere, somewhere like an attic, say – and we’ll all end up right back where we started.

Gnome, Sweet Gnome

Saturday, October 30th, 2010

By Tiber

Ever since Mom had the sighting of that unknown older woman up in the attics, everyone’s afraid to go up there. Iris Nell was looking for Amadeus, her new cat, though, so she braved it.

And sure enough, she saw an older woman scurrying away. Surprisingly, it was not the unknown old woman. It was our older woman, Aunt April.

As you know, Aunt April has developed sort of a crush on Jasper, our renter, and, to his horror, she sometimes lurks outside his door. But generally, she’s rarely spotted out of her rooms up here on the third floor.

Iris Nell was therefore curious as to what Aunt April might be doing up on the attic floor and she peeked into the room she’d just vacated.

And there, instead of the emptiness Iris Nell had expected, was a sea of garden gnomes.

It looked like a Swedish little people’s cocktail party.
It looked like a hobbit haberdasher’s convention.

It looked like a room full of hot loot all pointing towards a felony.

So Iris Nell came and kindly inflicted this information on me. One of the phrases that’s constantly used by my family is, “It’s not what you think.” But here, we know it’s exactly what we think, which brought up another common phrase heard around here, “Now what do we do?”

Some of the gnomes were new but you could tell by the attire and condition that some of them went back decades. It seems sort of rotten to squeal on Aunt April to Dad, her own brother. And as for telling the police, I don’t think they give you a discount jail term just because you “shop” in volume.

How the hell is Aunt April pulling this off? She hasn’t driven in years. Is she hiring a taxi and paying off the driver to look the other way? Is she booking 1-800-Gnome-Van?

Most people only have to return their aunt’s ugly gift gloves. But if we end up having to return all of these, we’re going to be on troll patrol forever.