Posts Tagged ‘fish’

Blob of my heart

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

By Tiber

Here I am, jobless, rudderless and relationshipless. Of course, eventually I’ll get another job and a rudder I can buy – but the right relationship? Some people never find one. More and more I’m thinking I could end up being that one single old geezer of the future bitterly ordering his “jetpack for one.”

To stop going further down that depressing road and to make myself feel at least a little better, I started reading an article about what were called the most revolting-looking creatures to live in the ocean. That seemed a little harsh, until I got into the article and saw that, no, that actually was pretty factual.

There are seapigs, who look less like pigs, who I actually sort of like, and more like over-inflated condoms with creepily trotting little feet. Plus, they don’t roll in the mud, which is fine. They eat it.

Next, there were hagfish, considered particularly hideous because they produce their own slime. For what?!? A gift? Hair gel? A rainy day? They’re already under water!

Last up were the blobfish, who truly could not be better named. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were really just doughy pieces that had fallen off some other creature who had gratefully evolved in a higher direction.

The article never made me feel better, though. Even while cringing at the sight of these guys, all I kept thinking was that each and every one of them, in normal ways or weird ones, is still having a relationship – right now. They’re all swimming around down there, and with no effort whatsoever, in their own ways,  they’re pigging and hagging and blobbing bigtime.

And for the far more civilized and attractive me? What’s the only thing I’ll be getting tonight? Pie. And that’s only if Dad and all of the seapigs I’m related to don’t spot the pie first.

It’s raining fish

Sunday, December 13th, 2009
By Tiber
You can see where I wrote an older post about my parents’ maid, Taffy. It was correctly titled, “Taffy vs. the Universe.“
Today, Taffy drove back to the house with her car windshield completely busted. She was shaken up but basically all right.
The thing is, weird accidents plague Taffy all the time. Is it bad karma? Is it inattention? Is it a gift from God to keep the rest of us entertained?
Thankfully, in this instance, Taffy was stopped at a traffic light because suddenly, her car windshield just exploded. A man, paused on the other side, saw exactly what had caused it. But Taffy didn’t know. She leaped out and started to run, afraid that maybe her whole car was going to blow up. The man, however, hurried over and grabbed something off of the ground to show her. It was a fish.

That’s right. A fish.

“It’s okay, miss. Here’s your problem right here!”

Taffy warily returned and gaped at his discovery.

“Well, will you look at that! You know, I wasn’t really paying attention when I filled up the tank, so I never even noticed him swimming in.”

“Uh, no…Actually, what happened was, a bird was flying over. And he dropped the fish he was carrying, which landed on your windshield.”

“Oh! Wow!”

“You’re all right then?”

“I’m fine.”

The man shook his head with relief and laughed.

“Freak accidents. Good thing they happen so rarely, huh?”

Taffy said she smiled politely and nodded. No need to tell him they happen to her all the time.

And they do. That bird could have packed a little bag and flown in from Guam.

I keep thinking Taffy ought to be able to get some sort of yearly tax exemption, just because of her life. I mean, she didn’t get the name of the man who witnessed the accident so, somehow, I don’t think her insurance company is going to reimburse her for, “fish falling out of sky.”

She did bring the fish home, though. Dad said at least we could make the best of it and eat it but Mom’s putting a halt to that. She claims that hard times or no, we are not going to start eating road kill.

The main thing is that no one was hurt. But I think we have to accept the fact that, for whatever reason, the word is out on this planet.

Get Taffy.