Archive for the ‘My sister-in-law Honor’ Category

The “I Can Live With That Dating Service”

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

By Tiber

Quite awhile ago, I wrote about how my idiot brother, Duncan, and his wife, Honor, had somehow come up with a good money-making idea.

They’ve started the “I Can Live With That Dating Service” where prospective daters just reveal everything wrong with themselves instead of what’s right.

This is actually working because, when you think about it, coexisting with other humans is really much more about what you can stand as opposed to what you can share.

And it looks as if they’re having their first marriage between two clients.

Duncan and Honor, weighing all of the couple’s flaws, have put together a perfect match.

He leaves up the toilet seat…But she’s a compulsive cleaner who’s happy not to touch the lid.

She cracks her right hand knuckles…But he’s deaf in his left ear.

He wakes up hungry at 3AM…But she’s a lonely insomniac, who now has someone to cook for.

She bites her nails…But he has a phobia of pointy things.

He hogs the remote…But she thinks TV is evil and she lets him.

Most horrifying of all, both of them, when stressed, compulsively hum, “I Love You. You Love Me” from that Barney children’s show.

So now, they can sincerely sing it to each other, never plunging again into the dating pool, making it a win-win for them and the world.

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You may now kiss yourself

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

By Tiber

I’ve always competed with my brother, Duncan, about everything. And nowadays, I sort of enjoy it because it’s usually very easy to win.

This week was Duncan and Honor’s wedding anniversary, however. Even with Duncan’s mastodon-sized flaws, the fact remains that he is happily married and I am not.

Their wedding was a nightmare. The cop had never seen anything like it but right before Honor was about to step into her limousine for the ride to the church, the car spontaneously burst into flames. No one, to this day, has ever figured out how that happened.

Later, another cop said he’d never seen anything like it either when, on finding the reception too long, Duncan and Honor decided to step across the street to the park and consummate their marriage under a swing set in their half-removed wedding clothes. That one got them arrested  for indecent exposure, lewd conduct, corrupting minors and something else I can’t remember. Taunting squirrels with nuts, maybe.

In any event, you clearly had not only the powerful forces of the supernatural but also the considerable forces of the law trying to break the two of them up. Yet, in spite of everything, they’re still together.

Me? I had a girl break up with me once because I like cheese.

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Duncan’s “I Can Live With That” Dating Service – Part II

Monday, August 16th, 2010

By Tiber

As I’ve said before, my brother, Duncan the Dim, has actually come up with a business that has some money-making potential. He and his wife, Honor, seem to be making a go of their “I Can Live With That” dating service.

They’ve set up in the cloak room off the entrance hall, since Mom won’t let their customers any closer into the house. And I watched Honor in action with a client today.

“Now, how we’re different is that we believe it’s not the things you share with a partner that make a relationship work as much as how many of your “dumpable” traits the two of you can tolerate, as long as you  know about them in advance.”

The guy nodded vigorously. “That‘s why I liked your ad! A number of ladies have definitely ended up wanting to kill me.”

“Then let’s get all of you right out in the open Okay, first off, I see that you’re overweight.”

“Yes, but I’ve just joined a gym!”

“Now, remember who you‘re talking to. Do you ever plan to go”

“…No.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m a very active sports guy, though.”

“Playing or sofa?”

The guy shuffled around a bit but finally came clean.

“Sofa…But at least I wouldn’t be out with other women…And I’d even be willing to take a real girlfriend away for a vacation.”

“Would you pay for a 3, 4 or 5 star hotel?”

“Oh, God, no. None of those.”

“Would you at least go for lodging without bedbugs or toxic mold?”

“…Yeah…I guess I could spring for that.”

“Now in terms of ‘crazy,’ how much are you willing to put up with? The categories are: 1) quirky 2) eccentric 3) fanatic 4) loco and 5) batshit.“

“Well, ‘batshit’ would be out. But I could probably go as high as a 3, maybe even a 4. I mean, I’m a fanatic about sports and we all can be loco at times.”

So eventually Duncan and Honor tallied the guy up.

“Okay, your category is ‘lazy, fat, crazy, obsessive and cheap, with a truly crap track record.’ Surprisingly enough, though, we could also give you ‘faithful and tolerant.’”

“I’ll take it!” the man yelled.

And my guess is, he’ll find a girl who will too.

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Duncan’s “I Can Live With That” Dating Service

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

By Tiber

I’ve never given my brother, Duncan, much credit for good ideas because, well, let’s face it, he’s never had any. Now that everybody around here has to bring in some income, though, Duncan and his wife may have come up with one of the best ideas of all.

They’re going to start a dating service. I know, big deal. But this one is different.

The idea probably comes from their own bad experiences in the dating world. We never thought a human female existed on the planet who would marry Duncan. But one did. And now that we know her too, I’m sure she caused the horrified flight of just as many dates as he did. So I guess, maybe it lodged in their minds that it would be better if people knew beforehand what they were getting into.

Therefore, their new dating service is going to be called, “I Can LIve With That.”

Instead of matching up your good qualities, this service tells you up front, all of the other person’s worst traits. And really, isn’t it more important to know that the other person accidentally keeps answering the door naked, instead of whether or not you both collect porcelain pigs? Then, you can make the call.

“Can I live with that?”

Background checks will be conducted, of course, to make sure that it’s all listed. She shop-lifted but never burglarized. He shot the sheriff but he did not shoot the deputy. That sort of thing.

Mix and match! Nail-biting, check-kiting, friend-spiting, bar-fighting, yeti-sighting – I can live with one, two, three, four, five, all or none of the above.

Because what good relationships are about, really, is whether your levels of tolerance match. One person can marry an ax murderer while another will divorce you if you burp.

For me? Okay, if I got a “knuckle-cracking, weight-worrier who parks in handicapped spaces.” Pass.

But if I found a “She watches too much tv, was once arrested, for mooning a politician and laughs so hard that milk comes out of her nose,”…well,

I can live with that.

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