Archive for the ‘My sister Erin’ Category

“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full price?”

Saturday, August 20th, 2011

By Tiber 

My youngest sister, Erin, is getting ready to go off to college. I’ll miss her but, fortunately, I won’t have to miss her part-time place of employment – Larry’s Discount Occult!

It now looks as if another sister, Iris Nell, may be taking over Erin’s sales job.

There are always things about Larry’s and the customers that sort of perplex me but, for some reason, I like the place and now, I can still keep dropping in.

As you know, Iris Nell already runs an online business of custom-made rain gear for pets other than cats and dogs. Larry, however, said maybe she could branch out and also create some attire for witches’ familiars, even if most of them are cats.

Iris Nell is all for it but once again, this leaves me confused.

I don’t know much about the work of witches’ familiars but I have always assumed that the element of surprise was an important component. If you met someone and their cat suddenly strolled into the room wearing a tiny mask and a conical hat while toting a little wand in its teeth, I think I might begin to look for the door.

But, again, what do I know?

If it makes Iris Nell more money, I’m all for it. And if her spangly cat-capes catch on, she could branch out once again. There must be animals in Las Vegas.

I’ve misplaced the can opener. Can we just use your fangs?

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

By Tiber

In common with a lot of other people today, my youngest sister, Erin, is obsessed with vampires.

In entertainment, vampires definitely are all over the place. With so much repetition, however, the line between the fictional and the real begins to blur. And now Erin is starting to speculate whether, with so many people living here, one of us might be a vampire too.

Since Erin works at Larry’s Discount Occult, she would love to be that vampire herself. If she promised not to “undead” the customers, it would really increase her sales figures.

She’s not the one, of course, so her eye keeps falling elsewhere.

Our brother, Duncan, is weird enough but not cool enough.

Our sister, Vanessa, is beautiful and pale but she’s also so disdainful that while many people would like to bite her, they’re generally too scared to do it.

I’d love it if it were Mom. The idea of someone politely stalking the Junior League to pounce on those pearl-clad necks is pretty funny.

But if I had to pick one person in the house as being our vampire, I guess I’d have to go with Brunty, the butler. He’s so absent-minded, he would think he had bitten people when he hadn’t – which would explain our low vamp count.

And thank God that for a long time, he’s been losing his sense of smell. I’m pretty sure that if you had to, you could keep him from craving your blood by just pacifying him with a warm Bloody Mary.

Big bargain days at Larry’s Discount Occult!

Friday, May 27th, 2011

By Tiber

I stopped by to visit my youngest sister, Erin, at Larry’s Discount Occult, where she works part-time. I always like visiting Larry’s but I have to admit that their products and even the customers tend to confuse me.

When they got the lighter-weight cauldrons in for the spring, Erin had to explain.

“How else can you pop one easily into the car in case you want to mix up a few spells while out on a picnic?”

Then, today, I asked why all of their skull placemats were on sale.

“Because people never buy as many skull placemats in the summertime as they do in the winter! Duh!”


What really bothered me, though, was that the love potions were all marked down as half-off.

Should love potions ever be on sale for half-off?

If you used one, would your partner then leave halfway through the relationship? Would your spouse end up loving you only on alternate days?

I may not know much about cauldrons or skull placemats but I feel pretty sure that when buying, say, firecrackers, parachutes and love potions, you probably should always spring for the ones that are full price.

Thumbs up, thumbs down, your thumb’s now on the ground

Thursday, March 31st, 2011

By Tiber

My youngest sister, Erin, is getting “BlackBerry thumb.” It’s no surprise since she’s constantly on her hand-held.

I tried to scare her into putting it down by saying that soon, we would be forced to attach tiny wheels to her hands in order for her to operate them at all.  It didn’t work.

The only one who has succeeded in getting her to put it down has been Larry, the proprietor of “Larry’s Discount Occult,” where Erin works part- time.

He just banned the use of anything personal on company time and, after an initial melt-down, Erin and the others are learning how to look people in the face without getting so startled, that they leap backwards and trip.

I stopped in to say hi and even here at Larry‘s Discount Occult, the signs of upcoming spring are unmistakable. Erin has put flowers behind the gargoyles’ ears, and witches hats in pastel colors have just arrived.

Plus, lighter weight cauldrons have come in – evidently so you can throw one in the back of the car and knock out a few spells while you’re visiting out of town.

Even the dog and cat treat section (“Get familiar with your familiar!”) now has some lower-fat snacks.

So with all of these signs, before you know it, it will be summer. And we’ll all be picking blackberries. We’ll just have to learn how to do it without using our BlackBerry thumbs.

There will be no dancing at the wrecking ball

Wednesday, December 8th, 2010


By Tiber

As you know, my sister, Iris Nell, does not cope well in the real world but she wants to bring in more money too so when one of the nearby little villages decided to do some town tours to drum up tourism, Iris Nell went over and got the job. She loves history and anything old.

The problem is, there’s not much left that‘s old or interesting in this little town so her planned “Local Architectural Jewels” segment really was more of a “They Destroyed That for This?!?”

At the new sewage plant, all Iris Nell could do was pass around a picture of the beautiful little Victorian hotel that had stood there before.

At the current “Bonanza Pete’s Dented Cans Discount Store,” she showed her group a photo of the Palladian-styled library that had been wrecking balled for it.

“It‘s such a shame,” Iris Nell lamented so a group member tried to cheer her up. “Those dented cans are a real bargain, though!“

Things picked up slightly in passing a local bar, where the tour group knew the most memorable town moment all by themselves.

“Hey, when they shot that movie here, isn’t this where that starlet got hammered and threw up on the mayor?”

Iris Nell wasn’t going to mention that bit of town lore but the group was more excited than it had been all evening so she finally nodded and pics were gleefully taken of the pavement.

She finished up her tour at the town cemetery. At least there are still old things there and the people are the same.

Our much youngest sister, Erin, who’d come along for a laugh, thought the tour was dying even here, so she grabbed a white skirt from her car and went floating around the graves in the distance. That got everyone’s riveted attention – especially when the “ghost” took a header over a marker and smashed into the ground.

There was a pause. “That ghost just fell over a tombstone. Can’t they go through things?”

Furious that she could lose her job, Iris Nell ran after the “ghost” who quickly leaped up and pirouetted off into the woods.

“My God, you’re brave!,” the group told Iris Nell. “You just chased off a ghost!” But she waved off the praise.

“I happen to know that particular ghost and though it won’t stay grounded in the graveyard, I have ways of getting it grounded somewhere else.

Alone, I am nothing

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

By Tiber

Speaking of Larry’s Discount Occult, (“Super savings on the supernatural!”) when I went by a little early today to pick up my sister, Erin told me that Larry, the store owner, has decided to ban the employees from making so many personal contacts during working hours.

Evidently, Larry, insane bastard that he is, wants his workforce to, I don’t know, work.

I could see that the texting ban alone was already taking a toll on Erin because her thumbs were twitching like a hitchhiker on a caffeine jag.

“So just check in with your friends at the end of the day,” I suggested.

Erin looked at me as if I’d suggested making pillows out of them.

“No! Go and call Kristin and Brit for me and tell them to come over here immediately!”

Her thumbs were jerking around again as if the batteries in her hands needed replacing.

“Look, if your boss doesn’t want you texting them, he certainly doesn’t want them over here! And anyway, if Kristin and Brit did come, you’d just want to check on Katie and Jess.”

This clearly didn’t sit well with Erin and she tried to hit me with the nearest gargoyle.

“Remember that lawyer who was after Vanessa?” she sputtered. “Call him and get him to represent all of the salespeople here. This has got to be illegal!”

“Erin, I don‘t think-”

“Okay, okay, then I’ll make a list of 20 of my friends. Go see each of them and find out all of the interesting things they’re doing. I have to know RIGHT NOW!!!”

“Erin, I’ve met your friends and until the end of time, they won’t be doing anything that interesting, much less in the next ten minutes.”

Thank God she’s so addicted to texting. If her hands hadn’t been shaking so much, she might have been able to stab me with the Nosferatu nail clippers. 

Look into my eyes. You’re getting very oinky.

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

By Tiber

I picked up my sister, Erin, from her after-school job today. As I’ve said before, she’s now working at Larry’s Discount Occult. (“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full-price?”) It turns out I sort of like it there plus Erin plays good music.

Today, though, the only sound I heard at the shop was the braying voice of Larry, the owner, as he came out from the stock room. To my mind, you can’t look less magical than Larry but then again, his shop is a success so maybe he is.

Anyway, he soon left and right after that, a goddess entered. This woman was beautiful. Erin could see my jaw slacken and my eyes go all pointy so she made the sale quickly and the goddess had exited before I knew it.

I was heading out after her when Erin threw herself in front of the door and blocked my way.

“What are you doing?!? I want to talk to her!”

“You don’t want her.”

“Come on, Erin. Don’t worry. I’ll check her out before we hook up.”

“She bought the spell kit that turns men into swine. You think pigs can file restraining orders?!?”

Great. My relationship M. O. has always been to seek out the crazies, end up miserable and then harp on it forever. Erin, being young and stupid, may have just spoiled my perfect record.

If you’d like to leave a message…

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

By Tiber

The veil, as they say, is a little thinner for my youngest sister, Erin.

She’s always been aware of other worlds and though she doesn’t actually see dead people – for now – she definitely is in communication with them. Of course, you just know that with us, even this rarely runs smoothly.

When Iris Nell couldn’t decide which of two guys would be better to date, Erin had one of her “vivid dreams” about it. Some of our ancestors put the two men on either side of a giant scale and were about to weigh their merits. Then a bell rang. Iris Nell was thrilled.

 “And? And? Which one came out best?”

“I don’t know.” Erin had to admit. “Dream pizza was delivered and the rest of the time everybody just sat there chewing.”

Sometimes, Erin is psychic and she gets messages while she’s awake. She clearly is receiving information that she herself does not know. The problem is, it’s information that you already do know. She’ll announce, “Your car keys are in your jacket pocket and not on the table where you usually put them.”

“I know. I’m going right back out.”


Or “Kru is the one who’s got your candy.”

“Yeah, I know. I decided I didn’t want it and I gave it to him.”


Erin even told Iris Nell that our late great-grandmother Maggie had visited Iris Nell in her room the night before.

“You were trying on a pair of new pants.”

“Oh, my God! She was actually there! She saw me with my new pants! What else did she say?!?”

“She said, ‘Don’t ever wear them again. They make your thighs look huge.'”

Proof of existence after death? Fantastic!

Being our dead people? Whatever they pass along is either incomplete, obvious or insulting.