Villa de Loon

By Tiber

Well, I had yet another job interview today. This proves that there really are unseen forces in the Universe that watch us because they clearly keep making these appointments for me just for the entertainment value.

Today’s interviewer had already read and liked the details on my resume so all I had to do was impersonate something close to a normal human being for a very short period of time.

Fail!

Our preliminaries had gone fine when the interviewer, reasonably enough, said,

“So, tell me something about yourself.”

Well, I quickly ran around in my brain house but after these past couple of bad years, there was nothing in there. There was no “thought furniture” at all. I didn’t even have enough ugly mind chairs for a bus depot.

And I started to laugh.

Inappropriate but recoverable – and then I discovered that I couldn’t stop laughing. We’ve all been there. Just not usually in the middle of a job interview.

No matter what the guy said from then on was just comedy fodder. God help me, I’d smirk and stifle only to explode into guffaws – and don’t forget the snorts! Lost and lots of uncontrollable snorts.

I hoped, in vain, that maybe I just looked like a really fun guy who could cheer up the whole office.

Not so much.

As I was being escorted out of the building, one of the security guards tried to be nice and he told me a joke. It was a really funny one too.

So, of course…that was the one thing that finally made me stop laughing.

By Tiber

Will somebody out there please get me a writing job? Seriously! Clearly, I’m never going to be able to land a regular job again.

I blew another job interview today. Being a little late for it, I decided I couldn’t just say I’d been stuck in traffic. How lame was that? So I thought I would get creative.

I told the interviewer I’d allowed plenty of time when I left my house but I soon realized that the whole town was in chaos. An actual spacecraft had landed on the school grounds and the highly advanced aliens were demanding the immediate hand-over of all of the science fair projects. They wanted to learn in advance all of our future scientific breakthroughs.

I had to assemble the freaked-out villagers and calm everyone down by pointing out that the aliens couldn’t be that smart since obviously school wasn’t in session, there were no science fairs and even if there had been one, they generally don’t reveal a ground-level view of the future scientific advances of mankind so much as the reason why most kids don’t become scientists.

This calmed the crowd some, until it was discovered that a janitor inside the school had been taken hostage. All of the townspeople, including the police, were frozen with fear, wanting to free the hostage but not knowing how to fight the enemy and protect themselves at the same time. Believe me, I knew how to do both because of my many summers spent at Nick Neeley’s Nude Ninja Camp.

So again, I was called in to save the day.

A few well-placed spins and kicks later and I had that spacecraft outta there.

But it did make me six minutes late for the interview.

I looked up, expecting a laugh, a chuckle or at least a smile.

Instead, the interviewer just nodded, jotting down everything I’d said. At last, he stood up, shook my hand  and walked me to the door. He said that he’d been late for the interview too but in his case, he’d just been stuck in traffic.