Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

It’s automated

Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

By Tiber

We are horrible people.

Lots of us were home today when Dad had his business meeting.  And did anybody remember to ask if the visitor had a blue car? Of course not.

We realized it when the inevitable piercing metallic shrieks began.

Yes, because of my soft-hearted mother and my sister, Iris Nell, we still have the two peacocks and yes, the male still will not mate with the, uh…full of  fun and personality-  oh, who am I kidding, ugly-ass peahen.

So, on at least three occasions, he has tried to tap blue cars.

It can’t be comfortable for him but, clearly, he’s too focused on his mission to care.

By the time I got out there, Cook was trying to remove the bird with a broom. Brunty, the butler, had brought the first thing he could find and he was throwing after-dinner mints at it.  My parents haven’t used the mints lately and they’d gotten hard, so they weren’t dislodging the bird so much as further denting the car.

I’d brought out a new package of socks so you can see how astute we all are in a sudden emergency.

Nothing worked anyway until the peacock was done. Dad’s business meeting was pretty much done too.

The last time this happened, my sister, Vanessa, told Iris Nell to just make the peahen some sexy lingerie and try to put a stop to this. Now, I think it’s too late even for that. After awhile, a man simply develops a new type.

Halloween’s coming up and I think the best thing we can do is to put Iris Nell to work on the costume front…and dress up the peahen as a sleek, new, 2012, blue Lamborghini.

See the pretty Choo Choo

Sunday, September 11th, 2011

By Tiber

Well, it’s the official end of summer. This is not because of Labor Day. It’s  because Cax, our dog, has decided to finally put away his sunglasses for the year.

You’ll remember how last year, when Cax had some eye medication put in and Dad had jokingly placed his own sunglasses on him, the dog loved them so much, he wouldn’t leave without them.

Well, this summer was no different.

It’s just that when Dad balked about loaning the dog his own shades again, one of Mom’s insane, animal-loving friends bought Cax his own pair of Jimmy Choo glasses.

These probably cost more than my entire wardrobe and clearly Brendan, our other dog, has been none too pleased about them.

I think he mostly thinks Cax just looks like an ass in general. But I also think that the price of anything Jimmy Choo has seeped down even into the canine world and we clearly have some jealousy involved.

It’s a good thing Cax decided at last to leave off the shades on his own.

I could see that soon, Brendan was going to start refusing to eat…unless we got him his own Louis XIV golden bowl.

“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full price?”

Saturday, August 20th, 2011

By Tiber 

My youngest sister, Erin, is getting ready to go off to college. I’ll miss her but, fortunately, I won’t have to miss her part-time place of employment – Larry’s Discount Occult!

It now looks as if another sister, Iris Nell, may be taking over Erin’s sales job.

There are always things about Larry’s and the customers that sort of perplex me but, for some reason, I like the place and now, I can still keep dropping in.

As you know, Iris Nell already runs an online business of custom-made rain gear for pets other than cats and dogs. Larry, however, said maybe she could branch out and also create some attire for witches’ familiars, even if most of them are cats.

Iris Nell is all for it but once again, this leaves me confused.

I don’t know much about the work of witches’ familiars but I have always assumed that the element of surprise was an important component. If you met someone and their cat suddenly strolled into the room wearing a tiny mask and a conical hat while toting a little wand in its teeth, I think I might begin to look for the door.

But, again, what do I know?

If it makes Iris Nell more money, I’m all for it. And if her spangly cat-capes catch on, she could branch out once again. There must be animals in Las Vegas.

Hip Hip Hipp-oh

Wednesday, July 20th, 2011

By Tiber

I was doing some TV laps and saw where there was a real show entitled “Hippos: The Dark Side.” Seriously? Hippos? Their “dark side?”

Have we so run out of actual entertainment that it’s come to this?

I’m nowhere near my sister Iris Nell in the overly sentimental department but even I didn’t want to watch.

I read about wildlife in school and I thought that hippopotamuses (hippopotami?) seemed pretty content simply enjoying food and the company of other hippos.

So now, if they do have a “dark side,” what the hell would it be?

They sneak up on giraffes and write “you suck!” way down low on their ankles where they can’t read it?

They post lies online about hyenas to make them stop laughing?

They graffiti-paint crossbars on zebras and then play tic-tac-toe on them?

As I said, I think, mostly, hippos just hang out at the old mud hole.

Well, of course, I did see “Fantasia” when I was a kid so I guess a few of them do become ballet dancers and then appear on tour at many of the world’s international arts venues.

But that’s it.

Don’t ignore the cat behind the curtain

Friday, July 8th, 2011

By Tiber

My family has the best friends in the world – not only because they’re smart and decent but also because they put up with us.

I wouldn’t put up with us and I’m one of us.

First of all, our 4th of July celebration was pretty lame but now, for one of the men who stayed on, his week has gotten even worse.

Our cat, Amadeus, is always pretty well-behaved. Plus, he’s always composing symphonies for us so that’s nice.

Our other cat, Paracelsus, however, is another story.

As I’ve written before, we really do try to warn guests entering Paracelsus’ favorite bathroom to check first behind the shower curtain. But it’s been hot and everybody just forgot.

The male guest had sat down and was doing his business which then, unfortunately, allowed Paracelsus to do his business which is his sure-fire cat practical joke of suddenly bursting through the shower curtain and sailing over the head of the seated terrified guest, until he lands on the sink on the far side.

The guest, in the midst of relieving himself, has now leaped up involuntarily and relieved himself all over the room.

Some of the guests never come out again.

They don’t want to hose down the entire place themselves but they certainly don’t want anybody else doing it either.

I’ve just had a thought, though.

Since my sister, Iris Nell, already makes weird little animal outfits, maybe she can whip up some tiny mop shoes for Paracelsus to wear.

That way, he wouldn’t have to give up his fun but he could at least help some with the inevitable-
“Cleanup in bathroom 5!”

Missing your monkey

Monday, May 30th, 2011


By Tiber 

To summarize some recent events:

The animal park lost a monkey who ended up here lost in our house.

We couldn’t find him for quite awhile.

Taffy, the maid, was depressed because a guy had broken up with her and Gabby, another maid, thought that Taffy was crawling into bed with her at night because she couldn’t bear to be alone.

It wasn’t Taffy coming into Gabby‘s room, though. It turned out to be the monkey.

And the animal park people came and took him home.

Now I’ve heard that both Taffy and Gabby are depressed.

I know why.

I’ve heard about the guys they go out with. and I guarantee you, that monkey was better looking, more reliable, less idiotic and had a much more mature sense of humor than any of them.

They should have gotten his phone number.

In an octopus’s garden…with you

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

By Tiber

You hear the phrase, “If you could come back again in another life, what would you want to be?” Surprisingly, one of the great lives seems to be that of octopuses…octopi?

I’m just reading where they evidently have a pretty good life. They flirt with the females and like to hold hands and since they have so many “hands,” the females love it.

And then they mate several times a day. Go, octos.

And once the female is impregnated, the males have been seen guarding the nursery, chasing away any other males. The article says they even strangle them if they get too close.

I can do that! I don’t pursue violence but hey, if called upon, sure, I’m way man enough to man the manger and…wait a minute, I just read the end of the article. It says they all die a few months after mating.

Forget it.

I’ll come back as something else. I may be unemployed but at least I can get through sex without croaking.

Bedtime for Bonzo

Saturday, May 21st, 2011

By Tiber

We finally found the monkey that’s been loose in our house and the animal park people came and took him back.

They said he looked good and I guess he could have lived here forever if he’d only kept a slightly lower profile.

My parents’ maid, Taffy, ( to whom all bad things happen) recently had the guy she‘d been dating leave town.  He said he had to go to Switzerland to attend “luge school.” Seriously, dude? “Luge school?!?” Of course, someday he’ll show up as a gold medal winner in the Olympics and I’ll be the ass.

In any event, he left and Taffy’s been really depressed and lonely so the other maid, Gabby, didn’t complain when Taffy kept eating the snacks Gabby keeps in her room as well as crawling into bed with her late at night.

Even so, Gabby was only going to put up with it for one more night when she happened to look out her door and see Taffy walking down the hall and not lying next to her in bed at all.

So we found the monkey!

Personally, after sleeping with him for so long, I think I’d have myself sandblasted. But I guess we’ll leave that up to Gabby.