What the Topiaries Told: Tales of the Garden Gomorrah

By Tiber

Our head gardener Nestor’s marriage has fallen apart. Dad doesn’t always know everything about the personal lives of the people who work for him but this was one episode everybody heard about.

Nestor went home early one day last week and joined his wife, who was napping in bed. Unfortunately, someone else had also been “napping” with her and, in one of the worst escapes ever, was still on the bed, hiding in the rolled-up comforter at the foot of it.

Nestor got into bed too to kiss his wife and his foot slid underneath this same comforter.

With said foot about to slam a sensitive area, the man instinctively grabbed Nestor’s toe. Since Nestor had once accidentally transported a garden snake home in his pants, he panicked and tried to kick the comforter onto the floor.

Most snakes – thankfully – don’t weigh 180 lbs. however, so Nestor halted instantly and then he began pounding the comforter with a table lamp.

The other man may have gone to work with a broken bone but Nestor came here the next day with a broken heart.

My mother saw the topiaries and almost collapsed..

They had all been re-cut. They had really been re-cut. We now had panda on parakeet, bear booty-calling bat, turtle tapping tiger. It was garden Gomorrah.

Dad said Nestor’s broken marriage or no, we couldn’t have this. It would upset the kids. Hell, it disturbed him.

So Nestor reshaped the topiaries back to a smaller version of what they’d been before – except for one. Erin texted me that Nestor may not be grieving as much now but instead is moving into the anger phase which, technically, is probably healthier. 

Still, he’s going to have to re-cut his most recent topiary handiwork too. Dad was walking the grounds and he actually ducked – because now the giraffe appears to be peering over the garden wall. Not only that, but now he’s wielding a large ax.


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