She Got A Cut-Rate Room At The Bates Motel


By Tiber

We just celebrated Mother’s Day and Mom, mindful of everybody’s finances this year, said we should all skip the presents and just come up with some kind of entertainment for her. Anything at all.

My sister, Erin, hadn’t been born yet but Mom reminded the other five of us that we had once staged “The Nutcracker” for her when we were little and it had all been “so adorable.” So entertainment again it was going to be.

Iris Nell said it might be fun to just do “The Nutcracker” once more. Plus, that way, there wouldn’t be anything new to learn. The way I remember it, it was mostly just us throwing ourselves into the scenery so there wasn’t much to learn the first time around either. Even with that incentive, though, I said no way.

First of all, you never want to allow Duncan to play a role where he’s actually called “The Nutcracker.” If you don’t want him performing this as a kid, believe me, you don’t want him anywhere near you when you’re an adult.

The part I had was “The Mouse King,” another role I can now do without. Not only does the character lose and die but, come on, you’re also called the “Mouse King.” I might reconsider if I could up it to “The Rat King” which at least has Jimmy Cagney/Humphrey Bogart overtones. Iris Nell vetoed that, however, since she was Clara, the heroine, and could.

I informed her she was also going to lose another of the original actors before I even asked him. Vanessa, who took lots of dance lessons as a kid, had wanted to perform all of those Chinese and Russian and whatever they were“Nutcracker” dances which had left our brother, Kru, to be “The Sugar Plum Fairy.”  We’d managed to talk him into it then but I said there was no way we’d ever get him into a tiara now. 

So, with “The Nutcracker” a no-go, we had to come up with something else. We all agreed it would be fun to do scenes from a film and since it was Mother’s Day, it really should be something about loving your mother a lot.

We couldn’t agree on a movie, of course, or even a genre, but after arguing for hours, “Psycho” finally won the most votes. However, Iris Nell said she’d only participate in that if we at least wrote some songs to lighten the tone.

My compositions were “She Got A Cut-Rate Room At The Bates Motel,” “Do You Mind If I Use Your Bathroom?” and the grand finale, “You And Your Mother Look Exactly Like Sisters.”

At the curtain call, we all congratulated ourselves on a show well done, which we sort of had to do – since, by then, we’d realized that both Mom and Dad had left the room altogether a long time ago.

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