Smith & Wesson Oil


By Tiber 

Since Dad hasn’t yet fired anyone who works for him and he can’t fire us, Cook is still preparing food for the over 20 people who live here in the house.

She again brought up wanting an assistant but here Dad drew the line, saying he really can’t afford that right now. And besides, as he reminded her, in the past, she never was nice to the ones he did hire.

Finding assistant cooks wasn’t hard. Keeping an assistant cook was. One did stay for a few years but then she claimed that Cook had assaulted her with a whisk. Fortunately, no one could find any evidence of anyone ever being “whisked to death,” so no charges were filed.

The next assistant soon complained of being goosed with a spatula and offered to show us the distinctive mark. Dad quickly declined a look at that and this cook departed also.

Candidate #3 stayed even less time. Someone heard yells coming from somewhere under the house. And this one we found in the basement, where she’d been pushed, down the old coal chute. Cook insisted it was just one of those “all too common and tragic falling down the old coal chute accidents we hear so much about.”

“Oh, come on, where in hell have you ever heard anything like that?!?” Dad demanded.

Cook paused and then finally said, “…Fox News.”

So instead of hiring anyone new, Dad has decided we can all do our own laundry and he’ll make Soledad, the laundry maid and easily the sweetest person in the house, Cook’s new helper.

Dad took Soledad aside and assured her that she would be fine since she was going in armed with Cook’s promise that she would behave.

My brother, Duncan, dryly observed that armed with a promise was fine but arming Soledad with a hockey mask and a bazooka would probably be a little better.

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