Brunty’s Bubbles


By Tiber

This has not been a good week for Brunty, my parents’ butler. Right at the time when, in order to stay employed, everyone else here is going for peak performance, Brunty’s falling down on the job even more than when he forgets he waxed the hallways.

First of all, as I wrote in the previous post, he ended up sitting in peach cobbler, and now, I just found out that he also ate a bar of soap.

His wife, Mrs. Brunty, the housekeeper, wants her husband to continue being, in her words, “a lean, mean machine,” which is pretty funny, if you know him. He’s lean but he’s never been mean and as for the last part, I don’t think anybody could be in less perpetual motion.

Anyway, for health reasons, instead of candy, Mrs. Brunty says she bought Mr. Brunty a heart-shaped soap for Valentine’s Day. Mom loves how, even after all these years, they still call each “Mr. and Mrs. Brunty.” Mom says it shows real old-world dignity. I say it shows why there are no little Bruntys.

In any event, Brunty thought the gift-wrapped heart soap was candy and he ate it, while also enjoying a Dr. Pepper.

Nothing was done initially because when Cook called Brunty in to help her with something and she saw bubbles coming out of his mouth, she just stuck out her hand and snarled, “Okay, Bazooka Joe. Spit it out!”

Of course, they all soon realized it wasn’t bubblegum at all but the soap.

Brunty’s going to be fine but our family physician, Dr. Moore, did feel compelled to make a particular point of telling us that a good rule for everybody in the family to follow would be to not eat heart-shaped soap.

“Or any other shape either!” he quickly added. “Even if it’s attractive.”

My first thought was, “Uh, yeah, Dr. Obvious, I think we know that.”

But then I remembered that Dr. Moore knows us and has learned from experience that it’s probably better just to spell out everything.

Brunty said his chocolate-buying spouse had just missed out on a compliment. Although the taste of the soap really wasn’t that good, he admitted, he’d been about to congratulate  his wife on her thrifty shopping, where this time at least, she hadn’t thrown away their hard-won money,  just to buy “the good stuff.”


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