All dressed up and nowhere to go


By Tiber

Since we’re short of money this year, Dad suggested that for New Year’s Eve, instead of our all going out separately and doing something stupid for the holiday, we should all stay here and do something stupid together. He didn’t actually use the word, “stupid,” obviously. He said we could stay in and have a fun time – no, wait, that wasn’t the word he used either, now that I think about it. What he said was, we could stay home together and have an “interesting” time. But that old saying “may you live in interesting times,” isn‘t really a hug, is it?

In any event, we can’t get out of this event. And at least Dad is promising food and liquor and that he’ll keep the heat turned on.

He still doesn’t know that I lost my job and am actually living here full-time up on the third floor, so he said, pointedly, that he wanted me to come home for New Year’s Eve too and to be sure to dress for it.

Dad told everybody to get dressed up for our party. He said that, even at home, he still wants this to be festive. Mom confided, though, that Dad really believes that if all of his children are wearing something formal, we’ll be less apt to misbehave. We were all born years ago and yet clearly, our parents still don’t know us.

Once, I actually saw my brother, Duncan, dressed in white tie and tails for an embassy event. (Evidently, they were under the impression that every other man in the world was dead.)  But even as dressed up as that, Duncan’s personality still had the subtlety of the Joker having a root canal.

And another time, my sister, Iris Nell, was wearing a long formal dress for a charity event, when she saw a woman walk in, wearing fur. Iris Nell raced over so fast to give the woman a piece of her mind, that she tripped on her gown and took a header right at the woman’s feet. Instead of getting back up to tell her off, Iris Nell just started biting the woman’s ankles.

Better clothing, clearly, has never slowed us down so far.

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