Posts Tagged ‘Larry’s Discount Occult’

To Hell and back

Saturday, October 22nd, 2011

By Tiber 

As you know, I’m working over at Larry’s Discount Occult this Halloween season. But I may not survive there until Halloween.

I’ve never seen anything like it.

Larry put a number of items on sale and the response has been a solid wall of shoppers. My sister, Iris Nell, is working there full time and I told her how insane it was for Larry to discount items right now and she said, “Yes, but look! There are more people in here than ever!”  Then I realized that from a retail point of view, that probably was good. From my point of view, it was more of an, “Oh, dear God, no!!! There are more people in here than ever!!!”

And of course, since it’s Larry’s Discount Occult, you have to deal with freaks and fetishists and what are, clearly, demonic forces.

Unsurprisingly, though, the most frightening customers are the high school girls. Those Heathers will beat a real witch into the ground if she so much as looks at the last pointy hat.

And the girls’ contempt for the demons was so condescending, so withering, you could actually see the evil fiends suddenly revisiting their own miserable days at Hell High in their minds.

And soon, they were scuttling out the door as fast as possible, with floods of tears almost shorting out their glowing little purple eyes.

Wonderful. You just know that later, those demons are going to think this over, be ashamed that they fled and they’re going to return every item they bought.

Those black candles will obviously have been used. But I’m going to take them back anyway and Larry’s going to have a fit. But better Larry than the demons.

I don’t want to challenge them. I’m only human, after all. That’s right. I am a human. I am, not, in fact, a high school girl.

Half-price wands! Get ‘em right here!

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

 

By Tiber

I’ve gotten a job. Well, part-time for a month anyway.

Now that Iris Nell has taken over my other sister Erin’s sales job at Larry’s Discount Occult, she recommended me to be one of the extra salespeople for the Halloween rush.

So I’ve been spending a lot of time unwrapping skulls.

Evidently, for many people, their own one skull just isn’t enough. So I’ve put out skull mugs, skull paperweights, skull earrings, skull belt buckles,  skull candy…

Iris Nell seems to think I’m doing a pretty good job but, as I’ve always said, Larry’s customers tend to confuse me. The Boris Karloff look-a-like that I had pegged for a serial killer just came in to get some LED candles. He was giving a little party at a nursing home and he didn‘t want the old people to feel unsafe having real candles.

On the other hand, the smiling and normal looking suburban mom asked me, with lowered voice, that if she followed the directions perfectly, was it really possible to turn someone into a newt?

Who did she have in mind? Her husband? A neighbor? The head of the P.T.A.?

Our grand prize this year for the big Halloween drawing is a jumbo-sized cauldron. Great for potions but also good if you just really, really, really like soup. (Or, in my case, want enough popcorn to last through two films!)

Of course, this year, I can’t enter the drawing. I’m now an employee at Larry’s Discount Occult. Maybe I’ll just buy a cauldron anyway. I can always use my huge supernatural employee discount.

“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full price?”

Saturday, August 20th, 2011

By Tiber 

My youngest sister, Erin, is getting ready to go off to college. I’ll miss her but, fortunately, I won’t have to miss her part-time place of employment – Larry’s Discount Occult!

It now looks as if another sister, Iris Nell, may be taking over Erin’s sales job.

There are always things about Larry’s and the customers that sort of perplex me but, for some reason, I like the place and now, I can still keep dropping in.

As you know, Iris Nell already runs an online business of custom-made rain gear for pets other than cats and dogs. Larry, however, said maybe she could branch out and also create some attire for witches’ familiars, even if most of them are cats.

Iris Nell is all for it but once again, this leaves me confused.

I don’t know much about the work of witches’ familiars but I have always assumed that the element of surprise was an important component. If you met someone and their cat suddenly strolled into the room wearing a tiny mask and a conical hat while toting a little wand in its teeth, I think I might begin to look for the door.

But, again, what do I know?

If it makes Iris Nell more money, I’m all for it. And if her spangly cat-capes catch on, she could branch out once again. There must be animals in Las Vegas.

Big bargain days at Larry’s Discount Occult!

Friday, May 27th, 2011

By Tiber

I stopped by to visit my youngest sister, Erin, at Larry’s Discount Occult, where she works part-time. I always like visiting Larry’s but I have to admit that their products and even the customers tend to confuse me.

When they got the lighter-weight cauldrons in for the spring, Erin had to explain.

“How else can you pop one easily into the car in case you want to mix up a few spells while out on a picnic?”

Then, today, I asked why all of their skull placemats were on sale.

“Because people never buy as many skull placemats in the summertime as they do in the winter! Duh!”

Uh…Okay.

What really bothered me, though, was that the love potions were all marked down as half-off.

Should love potions ever be on sale for half-off?

If you used one, would your partner then leave halfway through the relationship? Would your spouse end up loving you only on alternate days?

I may not know much about cauldrons or skull placemats but I feel pretty sure that when buying, say, firecrackers, parachutes and love potions, you probably should always spring for the ones that are full price.

Thumbs up, thumbs down, your thumb’s now on the ground

Thursday, March 31st, 2011

By Tiber

My youngest sister, Erin, is getting “BlackBerry thumb.” It’s no surprise since she’s constantly on her hand-held.

I tried to scare her into putting it down by saying that soon, we would be forced to attach tiny wheels to her hands in order for her to operate them at all.  It didn’t work.

The only one who has succeeded in getting her to put it down has been Larry, the proprietor of “Larry’s Discount Occult,” where Erin works part- time.

He just banned the use of anything personal on company time and, after an initial melt-down, Erin and the others are learning how to look people in the face without getting so startled, that they leap backwards and trip.

I stopped in to say hi and even here at Larry‘s Discount Occult, the signs of upcoming spring are unmistakable. Erin has put flowers behind the gargoyles’ ears, and witches hats in pastel colors have just arrived.

Plus, lighter weight cauldrons have come in – evidently so you can throw one in the back of the car and knock out a few spells while you’re visiting out of town.

Even the dog and cat treat section (“Get familiar with your familiar!”) now has some lower-fat snacks.

So with all of these signs, before you know it, it will be summer. And we’ll all be picking blackberries. We’ll just have to learn how to do it without using our BlackBerry thumbs.

When the shop around the corner is “Larry’s Discount Occult”

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

By Tiber 

I swung by Larry’s Discount Occult (“Sure You Want To Hex Them But Why Pay Full Price?”) where my sister, Erin, works as a salesperson after school.

She’s doing pretty well there in spite of Larry‘s new ban on texting during working hours. This initially drove Erin berserk and when she couldn’t stop wiggling her newly idle fingers and some of the customers thought she was about to strangle them, Larry knew he had to act.

So, besides doing sales, he gave Erin the creative job of decorating the shop window. And this she likes.

 Of course, Erin’s at that teenage stage where her personality constantly flips back and forth from the morbid to the cute so the occult window is now sending out kind of mixed messages.

Erin still has the witch’s “cauldron of blood” but she’s using it to advertise the strawberry tea.

The zombie figures, who, formerly, had been staggering, open-mouthed, towards the villagers to eat their brains, still have their lips contorted but now it’s because they’re all playing soccer and the zombies have scored their first goal.

And the skeleton, rising from a grave, is currently performing a dance step.  Erin even had Iris Nell make a little tuxedo and top hat for it which frankly, I think, makes it look disconcertingly like Fred Astaire.

At first, I thought Larry would object, since the window seems to be pulling in so many different directions. But then I remembered that, above all, Larry is a shrew businessman and Erin has probably given him a whole new sales demographic.

Alone, I am nothing

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

By Tiber

Speaking of Larry’s Discount Occult, (“Super savings on the supernatural!”) when I went by a little early today to pick up my sister, Erin told me that Larry, the store owner, has decided to ban the employees from making so many personal contacts during working hours.

Evidently, Larry, insane bastard that he is, wants his workforce to, I don’t know, work.

I could see that the texting ban alone was already taking a toll on Erin because her thumbs were twitching like a hitchhiker on a caffeine jag.

“So just check in with your friends at the end of the day,” I suggested.

Erin looked at me as if I’d suggested making pillows out of them.

“No! Go and call Kristin and Brit for me and tell them to come over here immediately!”

Her thumbs were jerking around again as if the batteries in her hands needed replacing.

“Look, if your boss doesn’t want you texting them, he certainly doesn’t want them over here! And anyway, if Kristin and Brit did come, you’d just want to check on Katie and Jess.”

This clearly didn’t sit well with Erin and she tried to hit me with the nearest gargoyle.

“Remember that lawyer who was after Vanessa?” she sputtered. “Call him and get him to represent all of the salespeople here. This has got to be illegal!”

“Erin, I don‘t think-”

“Okay, okay, then I’ll make a list of 20 of my friends. Go see each of them and find out all of the interesting things they’re doing. I have to know RIGHT NOW!!!”

“Erin, I’ve met your friends and until the end of time, they won’t be doing anything that interesting, much less in the next ten minutes.”

Thank God she’s so addicted to texting. If her hands hadn’t been shaking so much, she might have been able to stab me with the Nosferatu nail clippers. 

Look into my eyes. You’re getting very oinky.

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

By Tiber

I picked up my sister, Erin, from her after-school job today. As I’ve said before, she’s now working at Larry’s Discount Occult. (“Sure you want to hex them but why pay full-price?”) It turns out I sort of like it there plus Erin plays good music.

Today, though, the only sound I heard at the shop was the braying voice of Larry, the owner, as he came out from the stock room. To my mind, you can’t look less magical than Larry but then again, his shop is a success so maybe he is.

Anyway, he soon left and right after that, a goddess entered. This woman was beautiful. Erin could see my jaw slacken and my eyes go all pointy so she made the sale quickly and the goddess had exited before I knew it.

I was heading out after her when Erin threw herself in front of the door and blocked my way.

“What are you doing?!? I want to talk to her!”

“You don’t want her.”

“Come on, Erin. Don’t worry. I’ll check her out before we hook up.”

“She bought the spell kit that turns men into swine. You think pigs can file restraining orders?!?”

Great. My relationship M. O. has always been to seek out the crazies, end up miserable and then harp on it forever. Erin, being young and stupid, may have just spoiled my perfect record.