Archive for the ‘Observation’ Category

In an octopus’s garden…with you

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011

By Tiber

You hear the phrase, “If you could come back again in another life, what would you want to be?” Surprisingly, one of the great lives seems to be that of octopuses…octopi?

I’m just reading where they evidently have a pretty good life. They flirt with the females and like to hold hands and since they have so many “hands,” the females love it.

And then they mate several times a day. Go, octos.

And once the female is impregnated, the males have been seen guarding the nursery, chasing away any other males. The article says they even strangle them if they get too close.

I can do that! I don’t pursue violence but hey, if called upon, sure, I’m way man enough to man the manger and…wait a minute, I just read the end of the article. It says they all die a few months after mating.

Forget it.

I’ll come back as something else. I may be unemployed but at least I can get through sex without croaking.

Someday, your Prince won’t come

Saturday, April 30th, 2011

By Tiber

I’ve been through this before, ladies, but obviously it bears repeating. No, you do not want to marry a Prince, so quit holding out for one.

I know many of you still think that becoming a Princess means you can sit around all day wearing a sparkly tiara, while your favorite singer serenades you, a servant does your nails for free and another one feeds you tiny chocolates in the shape of peasants who now have to bow down to you and hand over all of their high tax money.

Well, that last part may actually be true. I don’t know.

The reality is that no matter how awful you feel or how desperately you want to see your friends, instead you’ll be forced repeatedly to get up at an ungodly hour to unveil, open, christen, reveal, applaud, and delight in every plaque, megastore, ship, statue, amateur folk-dancing group and new waste-management facility in the country.

Until you die.

Plus, you’ve heard that royals never carry money? The reason for this is that because they’re forced to shake so many hands, soon their fingers stop working entirely and they’re not even able to pick up a coin.

So, girls, go for the nice male who’s a prince of a guy without being a Prince of the Realm.

You may have to watch more football but at least you won’t have to wave at it for three hours.

And afterwards, your time will be your own without your having to go and be the Patron of the Flounder Museum.

Crow que, anyone?

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

By Tiber

Is it crow mating season?

I noticed a big crow sitting up on a wire, surveying his territory below when a smaller, clearly female crow flew up and landed on the same wire about a foot away.

Since the male didn’t fly away, evidently the female took this as a signal to come on by.

Taking tiny, expert steps, like a tightrope walker, she sidled over right next to the male.

And then, it looked as if she started to groom him.

I know monkeys do this with their hands but birds obviously don’t have this advantage. The male crow still didn’t leave but he started getting more and more hunched over and tense the whole time the female was fixing him up.

I hope he was getting something out of it. Maybe he just liked the girl and was trying to be polite.

I kind of felt sorry for him. I’ve had a lot of crappy dates. And even though some of them wore stiletto heels, I will say this for them. Not one of them ever tried to comb my hair using her stiletto beak.

Pecans and waffles, we salute you

Friday, March 25th, 2011

By Tiber

Since losing my job, I haven’t been feeling very appreciative of anything and that’s not a good thing. So join me as we see this month out on a better note.

Today is not only “National Pecan Day” but it’s also “National Waffle Day!” Yay! Coincidentally, it’s also “National Frozen Food Month” as well as “National Craft Month.”

So, I say, let’s make some frozen pecan waffles, build a fort out of them and eat them!

Even better, I found out that tomorrow is “National Make-Your-Own-Holiday Day.”

My first thought was let’s officially make it ”Somebody Has To Bring You More Pecan Waffles Day.” But then I realized, this would mean that you’d also have to take pecan waffles to somebody else, so you might as well just make your own.

I quickly saw that you’d have the same problem if you declared a big “Me Appreciation Day” or even a smaller “Come Over And Organize My Sock Drawer Day.”

Creating one of these holidays is harder than I thought.

Recently, it really was “National Squirrel Appreciation Day” and I enjoyed that. I also like hot sauce, fat pillows and Roman ruins but lots of other people don’t so if I chose one of those, whole crowds would just end up ignoring my whole day.

So I’ve decided that tomorrow should just be “National Appreciation Appreciation Day.” Just get out there and appreciate something and we’ll all be better off for it.

The Ha-Ha Spa

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011


By Tiber

I just read a headline about a spa in a hotel in Europe where they’re recreating a “back to the womb” experience to help guests relax and feel better.

Reading on, however, the spa turned out to be not much more than people in a slowly revolving room with low lighting, soft music and pink carpets.

No, no, no!

First of all, if I’m in the womb, then the whole time I’m there, I think I should have the entire facility and all of the amenities to myself.

Second, I want to be able to get a new brain.

The one I’m using now has millions of files and folders and I don’t even know how half of them got in there, I’m wasting space storing information on fanny packs and Funyuns, Urkel, the Macarena, the smell of burning tires, Deuce Bigelow:European Gigolo, way too many vampires and zither music.

And I’ll never be able to delete any of them!

So, you’re going to have to offer me a spa-ready, fresh brain, as well.

And third, I want everything comped.

I shouldn’t get a spa bill or even a hotel bill, for that matter.  I’m in the womb, remember? What, you think I have a credit card?

Did your shellfish just giggle?

Saturday, February 26th, 2011

By Tiber 

I’m always interested in idiotic phrases that we all, for some reason, pick up from the previous generation and just keep on using.

I heard someone talk about being as “happy as a clam.” Really? A clam? Who started this?

Of all the examples of a creature being happy or content or even just sort of mildly pleased, would you pick a clam?!?

Have you ever run into a clam at a party? Have you seen one at an amusement park?

And how could you possibly discern the mood of a clam in the first place? They have no heads!

Has anyone ever had a pet clam? Have you seen one joyfully pouncing on a piece of string? Have you seen one thrilled to be hanging its shell out the open window of a moving car?

Conversely, have you ever known a vet to treat a clam for depression? If clams are supposed to be the pinnacle of happiness, wouldn’t a few be bound to fall short and need treatment?

Don’t get me wrong, though. I want the little bivalves to have the most enjoyable lives they can, but seriously, if I ever saw a clam blasting some tunes and ecstatically dancing down the beach, I think I’d be inclined to call the authorities.

It’s February 15th! That means it’s “National Narcissus Day!”

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

“Narcissus” by Caravaggio

By Tiber

I know other people have talked about this sort of thing but, being single myself, I say it’s time we got serious about it.

I hereby declare that the day after Valentine’s Day is now officially “National Narcissus Day!”

Everyone knows you’re bombarded with the endless “here a couple, there a couple, everywhere a couple, couple” in the approach up to Valentine’s Day, so even if you were fine before, you can’t help but end up feeling a little depressed.

But now you have something of your own to look forward to! The 15th of February is now “National Narcissus Day,” celebrated exclusively and with delightful self-absorption for all of the single people out there.

And yes, your couple friends have to buy you a present. God knows, you’ve spent more on them, what with wedding gifts, bachelor party gifts, shower gifts, housewarming gifts, baby gifts.

Granted, on Valentine’s Day, you still won’t have sex or physical affection or warm nurturing or any of that human stuff but hey, we live on a material plane as well and on “National Narcissus Day,” be comforted by all of the material things that you do have!

You get sole possession of the remote! You get the whole bathroom! You get the middle of the bed! You get all of the liquor and all of the food! And you never have to share!

So call up your couple friends and let them know!

Candy would be fine.

Mamboing at the mortuary

Monday, February 7th, 2011

By Tiber

I just read where funeral homes are having to branch out into other activities to pay the rent. They’re now actually hosting weddings, receptions, prom parties.

I don’t think it would be my venue of choice. After a few drinks, the people I know would either start yammering on and on philosophically about the borders of life and death or else they’d all want to go coffin-tipping down the hall.

This whole thing does bring up another question, however, that wasn’t addressed in this article. I know we’re in a recession and businesses are struggling but these are funeral homes! Don’t people die at the same rate, recession or no?


as seems to be the case, does it turn out that fewer people die during a recession? Is anybody looking into this?

Ideally, once this recession is over, maybe you could just lie convincingly about another one.

“Hey, Grandma, have you heard? Times are really tough again for everybody! We’re in another recession!”

What does Grandma know? She buys it and – boom! She’s good for another ten years.