Archive for the ‘Larry’s Discount Occult’ Category

To Hell and back

Saturday, October 22nd, 2011

By Tiber 

As you know, I’m working over at Larry’s Discount Occult this Halloween season. But I may not survive there until Halloween.

I’ve never seen anything like it.

Larry put a number of items on sale and the response has been a solid wall of shoppers. My sister, Iris Nell, is working there full time and I told her how insane it was for Larry to discount items right now and she said, “Yes, but look! There are more people in here than ever!”  Then I realized that from a retail point of view, that probably was good. From my point of view, it was more of an, “Oh, dear God, no!!! There are more people in here than ever!!!”

And of course, since it’s Larry’s Discount Occult, you have to deal with freaks and fetishists and what are, clearly, demonic forces.

Unsurprisingly, though, the most frightening customers are the high school girls. Those Heathers will beat a real witch into the ground if she so much as looks at the last pointy hat.

And the girls’ contempt for the demons was so condescending, so withering, you could actually see the evil fiends suddenly revisiting their own miserable days at Hell High in their minds.

And soon, they were scuttling out the door as fast as possible, with floods of tears almost shorting out their glowing little purple eyes.

Wonderful. You just know that later, those demons are going to think this over, be ashamed that they fled and they’re going to return every item they bought.

Those black candles will obviously have been used. But I’m going to take them back anyway and Larry’s going to have a fit. But better Larry than the demons.

I don’t want to challenge them. I’m only human, after all. That’s right. I am a human. I am, not, in fact, a high school girl.

Half-price wands! Get ‘em right here!

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

 

By Tiber

I’ve gotten a job. Well, part-time for a month anyway.

Now that Iris Nell has taken over my other sister Erin’s sales job at Larry’s Discount Occult, she recommended me to be one of the extra salespeople for the Halloween rush.

So I’ve been spending a lot of time unwrapping skulls.

Evidently, for many people, their own one skull just isn’t enough. So I’ve put out skull mugs, skull paperweights, skull earrings, skull belt buckles,  skull candy…

Iris Nell seems to think I’m doing a pretty good job but, as I’ve always said, Larry’s customers tend to confuse me. The Boris Karloff look-a-like that I had pegged for a serial killer just came in to get some LED candles. He was giving a little party at a nursing home and he didn‘t want the old people to feel unsafe having real candles.

On the other hand, the smiling and normal looking suburban mom asked me, with lowered voice, that if she followed the directions perfectly, was it really possible to turn someone into a newt?

Who did she have in mind? Her husband? A neighbor? The head of the P.T.A.?

Our grand prize this year for the big Halloween drawing is a jumbo-sized cauldron. Great for potions but also good if you just really, really, really like soup. (Or, in my case, want enough popcorn to last through two films!)

Of course, this year, I can’t enter the drawing. I’m now an employee at Larry’s Discount Occult. Maybe I’ll just buy a cauldron anyway. I can always use my huge supernatural employee discount.

Big bargain days at Larry’s Discount Occult!

Friday, May 27th, 2011

By Tiber

I stopped by to visit my youngest sister, Erin, at Larry’s Discount Occult, where she works part-time. I always like visiting Larry’s but I have to admit that their products and even the customers tend to confuse me.

When they got the lighter-weight cauldrons in for the spring, Erin had to explain.

“How else can you pop one easily into the car in case you want to mix up a few spells while out on a picnic?”

Then, today, I asked why all of their skull placemats were on sale.

“Because people never buy as many skull placemats in the summertime as they do in the winter! Duh!”

Uh…Okay.

What really bothered me, though, was that the love potions were all marked down as half-off.

Should love potions ever be on sale for half-off?

If you used one, would your partner then leave halfway through the relationship? Would your spouse end up loving you only on alternate days?

I may not know much about cauldrons or skull placemats but I feel pretty sure that when buying, say, firecrackers, parachutes and love potions, you probably should always spring for the ones that are full price.