This fire hydrant followed us home. Can we keep it?

By Tiber 

Ah, yes, my brother’s triplets, Lauren, Shirley and Bo. And yes, again, Duncan does now realize he accidentally named them to sound like The Three Stooges – a group that’s funny on the screen but maybe not the greatest role models for demonic spawn adorable scamps in your own family.

The causes for children’s behavior can be complex but put simply, our triplets are like dogs. You’re thinking I mean in that cuddly, faithful, unconditional love sort of way. No. I mean in the pack-running, scavenger-hunting, baying at the moon sort of way.

Regarding the scavenging part, the triplets, though only 10, are already past masters at this. They have a preternatural ability to sneak out and steal things, which they then bring back and bury in the yard.

My father loves his grandchildren but even he is beginning to realize that like boiling pots, scorpions or Hollywood divas, they really do have to be watched all the time.

And when he saw them burrowing in with something behind the tennis court, he decided he ought to investigate. Other kids might just be playing superheroes. Ours were burying a fire hydrant. I’m no lawyer but I’m pretty sure that being in possession of one will at some point bring up the word “illegal.”

Not wanting to pay replacement costs, my father drove the kids back to find the location of the theft.

The triplets couldn’t “remember” it but Dad kept thinking the column of water exploding from  the ground would pretty much give it away. It turns out, though, that there’s an underground cut-off valve, just in case a hydrant is hit. You didn’t know that, did you? I wouldn’t either if it weren’t for being related to such larcenous aberrations interesting characters.

Finally, Dad had to go to the police station and hand over the hydrant. He fully expected a jail term but here’s where his grandchildren did come in handy. When told that these particular children had “liberated” the hydrant, the officers took one look at them and quivered uncontrollably at the sight of concentrated evil smiled indulgently at the beloved munchkins and backed slowly out of the room sent them on their way.




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