The Hiccups of Doom

By Tiber

My parents’ maid, Taffy, worries every day now about being let go. But I know that Mom will do everything possible to keep her employed, even in the financial crunch – because Mom has always done everything possible to keep Taffy employed, even though Taffy is basically unemployable.

Mom, championing the underdog, or even an undermaid or an underbird, says that Taffy reminds her of a crow we once had outside, who had a hurt leg and could only hobble on the ground. But once he found his place in the air, he soared as well as all of the other birds.

Well, Mom may be waiting for Taffy for soar too but everybody else knows this is only going to happen if we can somehow get her hooked up to a hydraulic crane.

Anyway, Taffy’s crisis of this week was that she got the hiccups. The problem was that they wouldn’t stop. You may have heard about it. There was a little local human interest news coverage that got picked up.

It’s tempting to make jokes but in reality, it was pretty bad. It was hard for her to eat. She couldn’t get enough sleep. She tried to keep working but it was pretty half-assed. The furniture would be dusted but only in a zig-zag pattern.

Her boyfriend even left her, heartless scumbag. To be fair to him, though, Taffy’s constant hiccups brought on a certain amount of involuntary teeth-gnashing, so on his part, it may have been a smart move.

In spite of trying every remedy suggested, nothing worked. But two days ago, the hiccups stopped. Just like that. No one knows what started them or what made them go away.

So you can imagine, Taffy’s afraid that whatever it was, will set them off again. My sister, Iris Nell, heard that now Taffy is trying very hard not to burp or cough or fart or even sigh.

She may never get the hiccups again but we all think she’s going to explode.

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