Happy Valentine’s Day

By Tiber

Well, here we are at Valentine’s Day again and, frankly, I’ve seen better ones. I was reminding myself of how much money I was saving by not being in a relationship but then I peeled into a drugstore, bought three, huge heart-shaped boxes of candy (“Gotta please all of my ladies!”) and then proceeded to eat everything in them myself while watching a game.

If I keep this up, I won’t have to go out to be near a woman, I’ll just keep expanding so much, out the windows and doors, that eventually, I’ll be near every woman in the world, without ever leaving the sofa.

So I headed into the gym we have set up here on the third floor but all of the equipment was already being used at top speed by Kru, Iris Nell and Erin because out of all of us, only my sister, Vanessa, is dating and only my brother, Duncan, is married.

To my knowledge, Duncan and his wife have never again celebrated Valentine’s Day since their triplets were conceived on that day some 10 years and nine months ago. I guess you become wary of a champagne bottle once you see what can come out of a champagne bottle.

My parents are the ones who still will truly be celebrating the holiday. They always do. Somehow, in a sea of divorce, they just keep holding hands and swimming on through.

Maybe it helps that they have separate rooms, I don’t know. I do know that when we were little, they both perfected the art of staying sane exhibited by the Emperor Joseph II in the film “Amadeus.” Whenever confronted by a scene of excessive emotion, he would just lift his eyes, say, “Well, there is it, then,” and leave.

Actually, I thing our parents doing that has made us stronger. With six of us kids, we’ve all pretty much mastered the ninja art of fending off an assault by five other people simultaneously.

In any case, I do wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. But to those of you who may not have had the greatest time, look at the symbols. Santa brings you gifts. The Easter Bunny carries candy but Cupid? He’s the only one who comes to the party armed.

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