Whisper sweet nothings…and I’ll sneeze on your desk

By Tiber 
Now that everybody here is going to have to find a job, I’ve been wondering what my clueless older brother, Duncan, would do.  His wife has semi-nagged him to find work for a long time, but since they’ve been able to live here in my parents’ big house rent-free, it’s never gone anywhere.
 
Now, out of necessity, however, the “perfect” profession occurred to him. 
He could be an animal whisperer!

Yes, that’s right. My brother, who has the sensitivity of drywall and can barely talk with humans, decided that he could commune effectively with the animals. The question was, which animal?

So Duncan started with Paracelsus, our cat.

In Duncan’s mind, evidently, the concept of “animal whisperer” means simply that you get as close as possible to the animal, start murmuring repeatedly in its ear and then it will calm down and do your bidding. Paracelsus, on the other hand, viewed this up-in-his-face hissing as Duncan having a snake in his mouth and, clearly, both had to be destroyed.

Five band-aids and an eye-patch later, Duncan moved along to dogs.

This time he whispered over and over to Brendan, our Irish setter.

All this did was set off such a strong tickle in Brendan’s ear canal, that he’s been sneezing for days and constantly blowing all of the papers off of Dad’s desk.

Vanessa claims we’re now going to have to spend money to hire a damned “animal shouter” to undo all of the damage of Duncan’s whispering.

Undaunted, Duncan now claims his mistake was in going domestic. He thinks “industrial whisperer” might make more money. And he’s mulling over starting with clams.

“Whisper just right and their shells will pop open.”

I, myself, am working on “men-in-white-coats whispering.”  With just the right sound in their ears, I’m hoping they’ll take Duncan away.

Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply