Ashes to…well, it could be Cleveland for all we know

By Tiber

Cook had an aunt in Minnesota who passed away recently. The aunt had always wanted to live somewhere warmer, which evidently is pretty much anywhere else. So Cook arranged to have the aunt’s ashes mailed here for internment so her aunt could at least be dead somewhere warmer.

The packing went fine but somewhere along the route, the post office lost the container.  I remember reading where this same thing had happened to a friend of John Lennon’s and John dryly inquired, “Why don’t they look in the dead letter office?”

But I knew Cook, understandably, was in no mood for jokes.

She has, however, become convinced that the post office is, for some reason, stealing people’s ashes on purpose. It was hard enough on our mail carrier before, lugging so much junk mail up to the house but now he’s also got to contend with this banshee who flies out of the kitchen every time she spots him, yelling,

“I want my dead aunt back!!! It’s your fault she’s gone!!! And I know you know where she is!!!”

A visiting plumber overheard this and promptly spread the news in town that the mail carrier had killed somebody. The postman threatened to sue us so my mother had to assure the local police chief that the mailman had never murdered anyone. Unfortunately, she felt compelled to add…”as far as I know…,” which didn’t exactly quell the speculation.

I keep saying we need to open a family website entitled, “It’s Not What You Think,” because you’d be amazed how often things like this come up around here.

But you do kind of wonder how the post office could lose an urn of ashes. I mean, say you’re some guy in Boise, and instead of receiving the garage-door opener you ordered, you get some stranger’s…well, some stranger. Short of reanimating the ashes into someone who could live in your garage and open the door for you, wouldn’t you inform the post office that you’d gotten the wrong package?

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